#good luck cause i don't even remember what i told you <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[bookwyrminspiration]

every time i'm asked for my pronouns i say something different. not because i'm genderfluid, but because i like causing problems

[writerbugg]

Good Luck

Platonic Yandere Dc x reincarnated Reader

I made this a bit ago so have mercy :,)

Wattpad

Summary : Y/n, who recently taken an interest in the DC universe, finds themself in that very universe after a little roadkill accident.

Prologue, Chapter # 1 (you are here), Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6

Never feel guilty for starting again. - Rupi Kaur

*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

It had been a few hours since Y/n had awoken, she felt like she was in shock. She could remember walking back to her dorm from the public library. She had picked a random comic from the comic section, deciding to venture from her usual picks.

She could remember the bright headlights barreling towards her, the pain, her breath slowly slipping from her...

Y/n doesn't know is she can look at a truck the same way again.

"What do you think could've caused this Lois? She was completely fine yesterday." A man with inky black hair and deep blue eyes paced around the kitchen, his brows furrowed in frustration.

The woman next to him, Louis, placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort her husband. "I don't know Clark, it's strange."

Y/n sucks in a breath, she was in the DC universe.

──●◎●──

'...I didn't even get to finish playing through Fnaf.' Y/n thought as she watched her 'parents' talk. Sighing, Y/n recounted her situation, she could remember her past life perfectly, but she drew a blank when she tried to remember anything from this life.

In all honesty Y/n was on the verge of a panic attack, still coming to grips with the fact she died. Not only that, but out of all the universes to be reincarnated in, Y/n was reborn into one of the most dangerous universes out there. Why couldn't she just be reincarnated in a chick flick?

Louis had her arm around Y/n, holding her close and trying to comfort her. She was saying something to Y/n, though nothing really registered.

Justifiably, Y/n didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Clark sat down in front of you, gently taking your hands in his hands. "Y/n, can you tell us what could have happened? Anything at all?" Y/n shakes her head no. She chose not to mention her past life, something in her gut told her to keep it to herself.

Clark sighed disappointedly, "I guess I'll have to call Bruce." He seemed grimace when he mentioned Bruce's name.

That's never a good sign.

──●◎●──

"What do you mean 'No' Bruce!?" Clark yelled at the billionaire, who was trying to calm down and reason with the hero.

"Clark, I just think you're going a little overboard, let me take her back to Gotham. I can use my computers and resources that are stored in the bat cave to figure out what's wrong." Bruce explained. "We don't need to summon the Justice League for this." Bruce's brow furrowed at the stubbornness of the alien.

Off to the side Y/n watched the interaction with morbid curiosity. Though you agreed that calling up the Justice League was a bit... over the top. It was still strange how Bruce seems reluctant to interact with the Justice League in general.

Wonder why that is.

Clark runs a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated. "Why would I let my daughter go to Gotham, for all I know, this is some excuse to experiment on her kryptonian side. Find out more weaknesses," he all but snarled, "or get her killed, just like Jason!"

Clark pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't trust her with you, not after..." He shakes his head, turning away from Bruce.

Louis had left your side to talk with Clark, allowing Jon to take her place.

There's some silence, before Jon decides to speak. "...I think you should go." He says. Y/n tilts her head towards him, brow raised. "I gave a friend there, Damien." Jon begins, "he's told me all about Bruce, I think they can help you."

Jon blushes a bit, "Plus, Damien is the most trustworthy guy I know, if you ever need help, he'll be there."

Footsteps approach you both from behind, turning to look, you both see an irritated Clark approaching you. "Well, she doesn't have a choice. She isn't going." He huffed.

"..."

"Clark, do you want her to get the best treatment or not?" Surprisingly, Lois spoke up this time. Sighing, she took Clark's hand.

"Bruce won't betray our trust, plus she'll be in one of the most protected places in Gotham, getting the best treatment she could ever get. I think we should let Bruce take her until we figure out what, or... who caused this."

──●◎●──

Y/n and Bruce sit in silence.

──●◎●──

Chapter 2

[theabigailthorn]

Hey I made a post a few days ago and someone referred me to you so I’m here to ask for advice and guidance because I’ve been in acting for years and it’s my life passion (stage acting specifically) but I’ve realized this year that I am a trans woman and I don’t know what to do about it because I feel like there are next to no opportunities for me in the community if I transition, especially when it comes to musicals and really anything during early transition. I’ve just started college and feel like now is the time to start pushing for hormones and whatnot if I’m going to transition but I don’t know if I should because I feel like there won’t be a place for me in the career I want anymore. I’m at a point where I could change career paths but I don’t really have anything else I want to do I’ve always just loved acting. So anyways I don’t know what to do and I’m kind of asking anyone for help who might listen or have valuable insights if you read this thank you for your time<3

Mm, this is a tricky one. Are you in Britain? If so then I agree that opportunities are thin on the ground, even more so than for cis people in the industry. I also don't think that's likely to improve quickly. Apart from a dearth of jobs, it helps to be realistic about the risks. I've had people in Britain tell me they straight up won't work with trans people, which is illegal but there's nothing you can do about it. I've had chats with other trans actors who feel there's a hard ceiling in Britain on what you're allowed to achieve, and it's a lot lower for us than it is for cis actors.

The British acting industry also has a chaser problem. One of the consequences of the widespread dehumanisation of trans people in this country is sexual abusers find we make good targets - we're already systemically vulnerable and many people don't care what happens to us. I've seen talented trans actors drop out or contemplate dropping out because they were sexually assaulted by a writer or director. A lot of cishet people still find it unspeakable that straight men prey on trans girls. As a purely hypothetical example, let's say there was a man with a history of being very creepy to women, especially young actresses, who went around sleeping with trans women in exchange for empty promises of work, and who also assaulted trans women at auditions for his big project, who everyone in the British entertainment trans community knows is a creep, who then went on to win a major award - wouldn't THAT just make you want to scromit?! 🙃 Purely hypothetical of course. This elite consensus that trans people are 'violable' also extends to less horrific but still awful things like cis people stealing our work, which isn't hypothetical and did in fact happen directly to me.

If you're in the USA then I think there's cause for optimism, depending a bit on what happens in November.

On the other hand, something they told me at drama school is "In order to have a career you must be two things: 1) Unique, and 2) Good to work with." So perhaps your transness will be your unique selling point! There's really no way to know until you try. And it wouldn't restrict you from making your own work either: look at people like Piss Carnation, who are doing well in fringe theatre! I remember having the same feelings about my own transition: I thought it would be the end of my career. So far the opposite has proven true, which is lovely! There's a lot of luck and privilege involved in that outcome though.

For me, acting is a calling - it's the closest thing I have to spirituality - I couldn't not do it.

[shoot-the-oneshot]

BEST OF MOTOGP

Marc Marquez x reader x Carlos Sainz love triangle.

Read Part 1 here

3 years ago

With every step towards the garage your heart beat faster and faster, you have been working with the brand for what felt like forever and you finally got it. Redbull social media specifically focused on MotoGP you honesty would’ve been happy with any type of racing but you were ecstatic with your placement.

You don't know why you were nervous everyone has told you again and again how kind Marc was but you’ve had some unsavory experiences with other athletes coming up that didn’t understand or appreciate the new way of technology and in turn you.

You tried to keep your head up walking into the Repsol garage being amazed by the fast past everything was moving at. Being so caught up you jumped when a hand landed on your arm.

“I’m sorry, I’m Marc didn't mean to scare you.” He spoke holding a hand out for you, happily taking it. “Hi I'm Y/n, a part of the media team, its so nice to meet you”

Marcs eyes widened. “A new member of the family! please allow me to show you around.” He lead you all around the paddock introducing you to everyone you passed. Ending back at the Repsol garage he left you to a meeting with your boss wishing you good luck before he sped off to practice.

“He’s really nice right?” You spun to the right at the new voice seeing a slightly older than you blonde woman, who nodded to where you were watching Marc leave.

“Out of all the people I’ve worked with this team is by far the best and most welcoming, I'm Susan by the way while I'm technically in charge as long as you do the job and don't cause havoc we won’t have an issue.” She winked making you drop your shoulders and let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, making her laugh.

“Come on, I’ll show you the best spots for content during the race.”

1 year later (2 years ago)

“I’m really glad you let me come.” Marc spoke almost shyly with a red dusting across his cheeks as he followed your lead down the streets of your hometown. “How could i not, you practically begged.” You teased, smiling as you looked up at him as you stopped walking now there was only a few inches between you both.

“I’d beg just to learn your favorite color if that’s what it took.” He whispered, his fingertips grazing your cheek as he moved a strand of hair out of your face. Marc wishes he remembered the moment he fell for you, when he stopped seeing only the color of your eyes and started seeing his everything in them. But it's times like this he almost doesn’t care when, just that it’s there now.

“It’s red.” You answered breathlessly almost speechless from the was he was gazing at you. Your heart started racing as you noticed how close he’d gotten, his breath fanning across your face. “Tell me to stop.”

“I don't want you to.” Clutching his shirt in your hands to keep him close. Marc laughed lowly brushing his noes against yours, “Then tell me to kiss you.” He had to hear it, he had to know you wanted it as bad as he did before he did anything that couldn't be taken back.

Tired of waiting you pulled on his shirt crashing his lips against yours, Marc got over the shock instantly, pulling you tighter against him, so close you couldn’t tell where you ended and he began . Pulling away only when the need to breathe became overwhelming, even then he didn’t move away far.

“I really wish you would’ve done that sooner.” He smiled against your lips, and reluctantly stepped back remembering you were in public. Not before taking your hand in his. “Where’s that cafe you wanted to show me?” At his words you lit up practically dragging him in your excitement “Oh it’s right around the corner come on!”

During the season you shared many moments like the one shared then, getting closer and closer to each other and after the season you and Marc found yourselves back in your hometown it was just small enough that no one bombarded him plus he had never seen you so relaxed than when you were there. So his pushed to come back during the break.

“Come on champ i thought you were an athlete!” You shouted behind you where Marc was, you wanted to show him one of your favorite hikes it was rough but the view up top was worth it.

“I’m just making sure you don’t fall behind amore.” Marcs words dragged making you look back seeing his eyes locked on your butt, he only smiled being caught making you laugh.

Reaching the top, you shouted in excitement spinning around “we made it! Marc quickly wrapped you in his arms spinning you around kissing all over your face. “Marcy!” You giggled meeting his lips as he set you down.

“Come on we need a picture to remember this great feat.” You cozied up to Marc as you held out your phone being sure to get the view behind you, and capturing Marcs wide grin.

“One last photo together hm?” He said, looking everywhere but at you, sighing you rubbed his arm “It’s hardly the last time we will see each other, I’ll only be gone one season.”

“Practically forever.”

Present

Out of all the things you expected to see once you turned the corner was to see Marc and Carlos in some stand off their respective teams separating the two men. “What’s going on?”

Carlos who was just shaking out of Charles hold looked like a deer caught in headlights. “Nothing”

You looked to Marc knowing he would tell you the truth. But he just walked past you pausing once your shoulders met staring at the wall ahead. “I take it back, don’t pick him.”

Spinning around you grabbed his arm not at all finished with the conversation.

“You always tell me what to do first, not to fall for you now, don't fall for him what do you want!” You exclaimed not able to handle the mixed signals it nearly broke your heart when Marc told you nothing could happen between you two all those years ago because you worked together.

Flashback 1 year and a half ago

You and Marc layed by the pool soaking in the sun, legs tangled together. Smiling as you felt him press small kisses leading to your neck from your shoulder. “Stop” you laughed softly. Pushing him away just making him tighten his hold even more ensuring you couldnt escape. Caressing his face when he pulled away from your neck running your thumb over his cheek bone as he gazed at you.

“What color tie are you going to wear to the gala this year.” You asked out of the blue making his brows furrow and pull away further, making your hand drop. “Probably black why?”

“I wanted to make sure my dress matched.” Being a part of Redbull socials you were invited anyway and thought it would be cute to tie together. But seeing the look he got on his face you were starting to second guess yourself.

“You know no one can know we’re doing this right?” Your world screeched to a stop like a scratched record at his words. “What?” You breathed out. Marc sat up pulling away from you and sighed. “I don't want it to look bad on you if it got out, i care about you and don't want you to get all the hate you’d get for being with me. But we can still dance at the gala.” He spoke cuddling back into you, which you were gad for so he couldn't see your eyes glassing over. “Yeah” your voice cracked “yeah we can.”

(Flahback over)

Marc sighed. “We both knew being just friends would never work.” He grabbed the back of your neck pressing his lips against your forehead. “I’m so sorry for what i said before but i was always yours and i hope you’ll be mine one day.”

With those as his parting words you found yourself alone, needing time for your thought you decided to walk through the paddock to clear your head. Your heart eached seeing Ferrari red everywhere. After Marc shut down any chance of being serious, you begged for a change of scenery landing a place in F1 more specifically Toro Rosso whatever pain you felt Carlos helped you overcome and then you went back to MotoGP and everything got complicated.

“Y/N! Y/n wait!” Your body froze before you could think Carlos stood in front of you the next moment his eyes begging you to hear him out.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, you weren’t supposed to.” He breathed out, hands twitching like he fighting the urge to reach out. “Didnt apologize for doing it” he everted his gaze at your words before straighting up taking a deep breath.

“I know you have feelings for both of us, and i know i can’t do anything about it. But i just want you to remember who broke your heart and who picked up the pieces.” Carlos squeezed your hand that you didn't know he grabbed before turning to walk away,

You sighed falling onto your bed at the hotel, you knew it wouldn’t be smooth sailing with Marc showing up at Carlos race but you didn't expect this much trouble. Carlos was right he did pick up the pieces of your heart after Marc broke it, but part of you wondered what would’ve happened if you didn't run to F1 after that conversation.

During that season Marc didn’t disappear he made his presence known despite the unopened text from him in your phone he still sent flowers to every race and invited you back to Spain for the summer, perhaps he was right. Being just friends would never work

Your inner monologue being cut short by your phone going off, leaning over with a groan your brows furrowed at the text.

Carlos: check your email.

Ignoring the message you open your emails seeing a brand new one from Ferraris head of marketing personal email.

“Hello Y/n, it has come to our attention you were looking at other options outside of your current employer, you have come highly recommended from some of our employees during your time in F1 a few years ago and we would love to add you to our team. Given your close relationship to one of our drivers we think you would make a wonderful addition.

We have reviewed your current contract with Redbull and would like to offer to buy it out and add a 20% raise to your salary plus benefits. No need to interview please get back to us at your soonest convenience.

Scuderia Ferrari, Social media, Marketing team

Practically throwing your phone across the room your breathing picked up. While it was a fantastic offer and one that would definitely keep you and Carlos together it wasn’t what you wanted, wasn’t who you wanted.

Rushing from your bed you pulled open the door to your room and ran through the hallway stopping abruptly as you nearly bumped into Marc a few feet away.

“What’s wrong?” What are you doing out here.” You both spoke simultaneously.

“Ferrari offered to buy me out of my contract.” You rushed out making Marc roll his eyes and chuckle humorlessly. “So that’s what he meant.”

“You, you knew?” You stammered over your words. “That’s what he told me earlier” you’ve never seen Marc so withheld before, at least not with you.

“And you didn't tell me!” You exclaimed, Marc sighed running his hand over his face. “If it’s what you wanted i didn’t want to stop you. Would it kill me, yes, but all i want is for you to be happy even without me.”

“How good is the contract?” He asked before you could say anything, keeping a good few feet between you.

“Really good.” His face hardened at your words nodding his head he made a move to turn away before you stopped him.

“But not good enough to leave you.”

Marc spun back around so fast though thought he would’ve broken something making you giggle. “Really?” He asked needing to be sure it wanted to his imagination. “Ever since that kiss you’re all i wanted.” You whispered being afraid any louder tone would break the spell.

Marc quickly erased the distance between you and wrapped you in his arms nuzzling his nose against yours.

“Tell me you’re mine.” He smiled against your lips reminding you of the first time.

“I’m yours, i pick you.”

That next break you found yourself back sun bathing with Marc at your home in Spain, the sun shining off his wedding ring from its place on your thigh. Your husband sending daggers at stitch who was lounging in your arms.

“I never thought id be jealous of a dog.” He grumbled laying his head back down on your chest when you giggled. “Aw poor baby.” Rubbing your hand through his hair, feeling him smile against your skin. While it was a rollercoaster getting there you wouldn’t change the life you had for anything.

Woah what a ride i hope you guys liked it let me know in the comments Carlos’s part will be out soon check out part one and Carlos part here

Best of both worlds prt1

Best of MotoGP Marcs ending

Best of F1 Carlos ending coming soon

check out my master list for more

Tag list @starxqt @motylekrozi @yeolsbubbles @laura-naruto-fan1998 @mooone90 @damianodavidhands @zig-zzag @its-astrotea-love @peakywitch @obsessed-fan-alert @lenniebordeaux @marelovesf1 @capela-miranda @enjoymyloves @amsofftrack @coffeehurricanes @speedysimp @jasondeservedbetter @chilwell-mount @buendiabebeta @dan3avacado @valkyrie418 @ricsaigaslec @idkiwantchocolate @mydutchproblem @thercher @blckgrl-sunflower @xjval @downinroma @pleasantducktimetravel @princessria127 @caidi-paris @mehrmonga

[blkkizzat]

Kaliiiiii. It's done. My manuscript is done (don't remember if I told you already) but as of this afternoon I am officially in first stage editing period aka proofreading!

Ya girl is an author. Period! Loving that for me. Feeling myself a little about it. Any whats. As of tomorrow, I'm officially in training for my GRE and writing my sample piece so one last night of horny on main

Modern day!Sukuna does not let his baby mama study. Y'all got a whole ass kid, and you had to take two years off after giving birth for bonding and shit. But it's Japan so the childcare is available. After baby is two you tell Sukuna that you're going back to classes and he's like "but why though? I take care of you" and your like.."Motherfucker cause I want to!?!?" You were half way through your masters!"

So you get enrolled, and you're doing well until a few weeks into your classes, Sukuna gets bored. He starts distracting you with neck kisses. And you're like "Baby stoooop" cause you can't focus. He does not. He gets worse. Progressively distracting you with sex every other day. And don't get me wrong, the sex is immaculate. Phenomenal but you are behind in three classes. Your professors are worried. Your next version of your thesis is due next week and you're on your back with your legs wrapped around your baby daddy's head cause he wanted to taste you.

It's not really a surprise to you when you end up pregnant again. And Ryomen Sukuna is too fucking proud of himself. Cause now you're gonna stop again right? Wrong. Your ass finishes (miraculously) in your eighth month of pregnancy. And while he was annoyed by how much of your time it took away from him, he is proud that his woman is that smart. And he's holding your now 3 year old on his shoulders as you walk across the stage.

Needing the encouragement- 🧠

AHHH CONGRATS 🧠 BABE!!! I'm proud of you and you should be proud of you too miss author!!!

oooh GRE! good luck!! i bought all these prep books for the GMAT to get into business school but then since I applied during covid they waved the GMAT for part-time applicants with enough relevant work experience so i got a wavier! i suck big time at standardized tests. any test really lmfao. but im a rockstar at a presentation or a paper.

ALSO OHHHH MY FUCKING GAWD!!! I SHED A TEARRRR (im def ovulating). That is so fucking cute i cant stand it!!! I just imagine reader waddling across stage and Sukuna and his hellspawn being extra loud that even if they are not very close to the stage you still manage to hear them loud and clear.

"but why though? I take care of you" and your like.."Motherfucker cause I want to!?!?" You were half way through your masters!"

PERIODDDDDDDDT OMFG YOU LET HIM KNOOOOWWWWW!!!!

ahhh i will miss ya~~~ tho!! 🥹💕

[royallyprincesslilly]

Title: If This Is Love, It's Forever {5}

Title: If This Is Love, It’s Forever {5}

Lewis Hamilton x Reader

Warning: Angst, Cursing, Heartache, Time Jump, Fluff, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of death, TW: Death Penalty, TW: Execution, PLENTY OF WORDS

Words: 13.4k {Sorry. I refused to split this up again}

Summary: When the dust settles you have to decide where that leaves you and Lewis. Is it love? If so, could it be forever?

Note: Our finale is here! The end of the road folks! I hate to end on an odd number (if you’ve been here long you’ll know why) but I think it’s time we stopped torturing them now. LOL. Thank you all for sticking through all 42k of this. 42k y’all. WOW. Y’all are amazing to me.

Note II: Look out for the one-shot titled “Smell The Roses” about this garden picnic and rose maze sometime in the future. It was too good to pass up.

As always, thank you for reading.

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG!!

****NOT Edited/Proofread****

Previous: If This Is Love, I Don't Want It {1} | If This Is Love, You Need To Prove It {2} | If This Is Love, You Need To Mean It {3} | If This Is Love, You Gotta Ride For Me {4}

-Lewis-

He hadn’t felt like this since he’d been a young boy sitting in the headmaster’s office after he’d gotten into trouble for causing some sort of ruckus and was waiting to hear if he would be sent home for a spell of completely expelled. He’d always been lucky and had just gotten a few days home for his antics but right now he feared his luck had run out. He’d after all done more than caused a bit of ruckus. He’d knowingly slept with his boss’s daughter though the interaction or any similar to it had been explicitly forbidden in his contract. He’d then gone on to break said boss’s daughter’s heart. Oh, he’d caused more than a wee bit of ruckus. He may have blown up his entire career.

When things had begun he’d told himself to stay away from you because anything but professionalism was begging for trouble but the more he heard of you, the more he learned he liked. It didn’t take him long to develop an intrigue that turned to fondness then desire. The rest as they say was history. Now he might be history. He thought back over his long career in F1 and with Mercedes and all he’d accomplished thus far. Then he thought about all he still wanted to accomplish but for the first time, he didn’t feel an all-encompassing pressure to get it done. He felt calm as if he was satisfied with what he had done.

It was a strange feeling, a feeling he hadn’t quite experienced before, a feeling he only remembered when he’d made up his mind to genuinely pursue you then wholeheartedly commit to being with you despite the trouble it could and would bring him. He’d deemed you worth it and now, in the face of the end of his career, he still deemed you worth it.

“So. Let me get this crystal. Knowing your contract and how strictly forbidden any non-professional interactions are within the organization you purposely pursued the one person you absolutely knew you should stay away from. Is that correct?”

He clasped his hands tighter then nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Hm. For how long?”

“I’m sorry?”

“How long did you pursue my daughter?”

Keeping eye contact with him, he answered, “A year, sir.”

Jordan looked shocked and impressed. “A whole year you deliberately broke the stipulations in your contract.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Then you went even further and deflowered my daughter, my one and only child, probably the future of this organization. You went and just—slept with her bringing her into your little—harem!”

“No sir.”

“No? So you did not deflower her?”

Sighing, he lowered his head for the first time, but then immediately looked back to your father.

“I did—deflower her, but I did not bring her into my harem. I do not have a harem sir and I did not know beforehand that your daughter was a virgin. I didn’t know until--.”

“If you had known would you have stayed away from her? If you had known the consequences of your decisions would you have allowed things to go this far?!”

Jordan’s voice boomed around the office. He understood that your father was furious about the situation and angry with him. He’d crossed a line he should not have but in reality, he’d come to realize that it was a line he was meant to cross because he was convinced you were the one.

Mr. Y/L/N, sir. I understand I crossed a line, I understand that to you I’ve committed a capital offense and I understand you are angry with me for my actions and what you may see as a blatant disregard for structure, rules, and authority, and I accept the consequences of my decisions, I accept whatever you decide you want to do with me because of it and I also sincerely apologize to you for how things have turned out. I am very, very sorry,” he calmly and clearly stated before taking a breath to continue. “However, I see now that there was no way that I would have been able to stay away from your daughter. It wasn’t possible from the beginning because what’s meant to be cannot be avoided and I believe that we were meant for one another.”

Your father stood behind his desk his eyes boring into his sifting through everything he was searching for the truth of not only his words, but his character as well. He was trying to figure out what kind of man he was and if he liked that man. Long minutes stretched with silence and with each minute his anxieties increased.

Jordan sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose then turned to the expansive windows behind him that looked out over London.

“I am utterly exhausted. It has been the longest weekend and I fear there are many more to come.”

He felt bad for the man. His world had crashed on him those years ago when your mother passed but had utterly caved in now with his realization he’d been shacking up with his 1st wife’s killer and had been played all these years. He could imagine how much he was struggling—how much you both were suffering.

“Y/N is all I’ve ever had, and I was supposed to protect her. I couldn’t but I refuse to fail her again,” he said.

“With all due respect sir, you don’t have to protect her from me. I have no intention of hurting her.”

Jordan spun around eyes red, “Yet you already have.”

He pulled out his chair, sat then sighed again.

“I didn’t mean to I was trying to protect her,” he rushed out.

Jordan scoffed. “Funny that seemed to be the running theme here. We were both trying to protect her but caused her harm.”

Jordan sighed long and loud then closed his eyes.

“What is it that you want Lewis? Why risk everything? Why risk your career?”

“I love her.”

Jordan studied him for a long moment.

“Why? So you can be one step closer to having Mercedes in your hands through her and making a real change in the sport?”

He scoffed. “I don’t want Mercedes. The reasons I love her have nothing to do with this organization or this sport. I love her because she’s seen everything, my worst and unfavorable, and still took a chance on me, she still fell in love with me while expecting me to break her heart. I love her because she’s the sun and the moon to me, the rise and set of every day. She makes me feel things I was always scared to, things I’d convinced myself I didn’t need in my life because they were risky and distracting. She’s shown me that truly loving is braver than driving a tiny car that goes upwards of 200 miles per hour. I love her because she never tried to make me love her and simply let me be who I am.”

Jordan scoffed again.

“I just want her, sir.”

“What if the only way for you to have her is by me ending your contract with Mercedes? What if to have her you have to end your career?”

Hearing those words he thought he would have felt panic, regret, or fear but he felt none of those things. Besides the tiny pangs of disappointment, he felt calm.

“So be it. I’m almost 40 many I started with have already retired. If it’s my time to go I’m all right with it. I’m not all right with not having her in my life.”

Jordan was expressionless as he took him in. “Okay.”

He reached into his desk and took out a single piece of paper and placed it atop the desk.

“Sign this. It’s your release from your contract and the organization effective within 1 month’s time at the close of the season. Once it’s signed I will approve of your relationship.”

He stared at the paper on the desk while he listened to Jordan explain what he would be entitled to and would have to agree to. All in all, he would be on the losing end as his contract wasn’t set to be up for another 4 years and he’d have to pay back most of the signed-upon salary, plus the perks and preplanned events and ops. It would be a nightmare to maneuver. It would really be like starting over, a life without F1.

Jordan placed a fancy quill-tipped fountain pen on the desk and waited for him. He didn’t hesitate, he stood and closed the space between the chair and the desk then signed his name on the stipulated line then took his seat again. Jordan looked impressed.

“Just like that? You didn’t even read it.”

“I trust you, sir. I always have. Plus it doesn’t bother me in the least to sign this. She’s worth so much more.”

Jordan slowly smiled then hung his head back. He took the paper off the table looked it over then stared at him as he ripped it in half, then ripped the halves into halves, and so on until the paper was nothing more than pieces of trash.

“Wha—.”

“Any man who would end his stellar career with little to no hesitation just might be worthy enough for my daughter.”

He was afraid to hope but the tendrils had begun to take root.

“Sir--.”

“This was a test Lewis, a test you passed. While I am angry with you for hurting my daughter I find myself sympathizing with you on just wanting to protect her. I don’t see your actions as vicious or that you wanted to hurt her. I think you made the wrong decisions with good intentions. I can understand a man of that caliber. You get to keep your career, however, that is all I can assure you that you will keep. Y/N is—her own woman and it is up to her what she chooses to do. I won’t stand in your way and give my approval should she decide to openly date you.”

His smile stretched but it only lasted a few seconds before his brain registered Jordan’s words on if you chose to be with him. He had no idea if that was something you’d choose. He knew how hurt you were, and he knew that hurt wouldn’t disappear over a weekend.

“Go on—get out of here. I presume you have plenty of groveling to do and her flight takes off from Heathrow in just under an hour.”

His eyes widened. “Flight?”

“You know Y/N, when the tough gets going so does she.”

Leaping to his feet he hurried to the door but stopped.

“Thank you sir.”

“Don’t make this another regret of mine Lewis. She is the only good thing left in my life.”

“I understand, sir.”

With that, he ran out of the office and through the building trying to get to his car. He’d had the foresight to drive rather than being driven today and now he was glad for it. Need for speed was more than a game for him, it was his life. Pressing the start button, he buckled up before revving his engine and swerved out of his parking spot in one move. Knowing the streets well he found his way to the motorway.

Once he saw open asphalt, he kicked the gear up and accelerated well over the speed limit. On average it would take almost an hour to get to the airport from where he was and he needed to get there in 30 minutes. He had no time to waste so he applied his F1 driving. He was risking a ticket, but it was another thing you were well worth.

~~~~~~~~~~~

-Y/N-

You glanced at your watch again and flinched at the pain that met you. You’d promptly checked yourself out of the hospital against the doctor’s advice even though you had 3 incomplete fractured ribs, a dislocated shoulder, and low levels of so many vitamins that they were surprised you hadn’t crashed sooner. You insisted you’d be fine and would recuperate better away from a hospital. It took one hour at home for you to realize that you’d recuperate better anywhere but where you were.

4 hours later you were here waiting for the family jet to be fueled and serviced so you could take off. It couldn’t happen soon enough for you. It had been a hectic weekend with being hospitalized and having numerous detectives in and out of your room for statements, updates, and follow-ups. You’d told the story until you were purple in the face and hoarse. It hadn’t taken long for charges to be brought up not only for Aleeza but her stupid brother as well.

They were looking at several counts of attempted murder, bodily harm, kidnapping, murder itself, and more that stemmed from their whole life of crime pertaining to your family. The estimated punishment the detectives mentioned was 45 to life but depending on family feedback and feelings the death penalty could be possible for the vicious and egregious way they carried out their sinister murder plan for your mother. The one thing you knew was though you murdering Aleeza may not be what your mother wanted for you, death is what she deserved, and you would petition the judges to deliver that verdict. She had no right to continue to take any breath when she’d been the sole reason your mother had taken her last. You’d see to it that you watched it happen.

Keeping everything out of the press was a task and a half for your father and one that had practically greyed him within days. Every time you looked at him you could tell how guilty he felt. Everything from him oozed turmoil. You could tell he was broken but he couldn’t fall apart because he was trying to keep himself together for you. It was too heartbreaking for you to watch.

You bit your bottom lip, closed your eyes, then took several slow calming breaths. While the rage had passed you were now stuck with overwhelming sadness and pain and through all that your broken heart made it even harder to breathe. You knew leaving was probably not the best idea, you know it was your built-in defense mechanism rearing its head trying to get you to safety.

Since your mother passed you’ve been running and using travel as an excuse when really it was your need to distance yourself from whatever the source of the stressor was. Yes, you were leaving England to try to finish healing from the trauma of all that had happened but deep down you knew you were also leaving to put some space between you and Lewis.

While in the hospital you’d found a strange peace over your family drama. Yes, you were angry that your mother was deliberately taken from you but nailing the culprit to the wall had felt sort of cathartic like you’d personally gotten the justice your mother required. It made it easier to come to terms with your new reality. Since you didn’t have to work through that you found yourself thinking about your situation with Lewis.

Right now as it was, everything was still very much in the air. You’d come to terms with the reasons he’d done what he did, but you were still grappling with the fact he’d chosen to play Mr. Fix it all by himself rather than cluing you in so you could tackle it together like a real couple and real partners would. When you went down that path of thinking you began to doubt he was ever really committed or on the same page as you wanting to be your partner, and in something more than a hidden sordid affair.

Those thoughts led you to the large purple elephant in your head, the one that you’d ignored from the beginning. The elephant that was Lewis’ track record and all the rumors and whispers that followed him about his inability to commit and settle down, his penchant for no strings attached. After you’d told him you loved him and him not saying it back you worried that for him all you were was an illicit affair with the boss’ daughter, another attempt on his part for excitement.

His words that day at his Monaco house still echoed in your head.

“You knew what it was and what it wasn’t. You knew I didn’t do monogamy. You knew that wasn’t who I was. You saw the signs and the proof. Hell, you even mocked it right in my face. Yet you thought you could change me. You thought you were going to be different, thought you were not like other girls. Get the fuck out of here!”

His eyes had been so cold, so emotionless as if he were looking right through you without actually seeing you, without recognizing who you thought you meant to him.

“Yeah right! Let’s be real with each other right now Y/N. You knew what I wanted from the very beginning. You knew what it was I could and couldn’t offer. You entertained it. It’s your fault for thinking this was any different than what it was!”

He spoke his words so clearly, so precisely without one stutter or fumble. He spoke them like they were his truth, a truth you hadn’t wanted to face but feared in the deep recesses of your heart.

“Damn, that was a good line. Right? For fuck’s sake Y/N, I’d just cum harder than I’d ever cum before because of how amazing you felt. I was seeing stars. You can’t hold me accountable for any of that shit I said.”

Was it a line? Was it truth? What was real from fake? What was a show? What was reality? When lies become truths how do you tell what’s the truth from a lie?

“We’re here now right. The facts are simple, this is the life I want to lead now. I drive fast cars and like everything else just as fast.”

It was who everyone made him out to be. A playboy, a fuckboi, a down for a good time not for a heart. For so long so many women used him as a good time. They tried to see who would be able to get a piece of him or even make him commit and none of them were ever successful. They’d crashed and burned and been left with an incredible story to tell no one because of the NDAs but nothing more.

“It was a lie,” you whispered to yourself. “You were just another conquest. It wasn’t real.”

It was something you’d worried about for a while, then when he’d proved and confirmed it in Monaco it tore you apart. However, when he confessed his so-called love for you, it left you feeling nothing but turmoil. What was real and what was a lie? How could you trust him? Had you really even known him in the first place?

Your phone rang, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Hello? Okay, thank you. I’ll be there.”

You ended the call, stood then took up your purse. “In 12 hours you’ll be on a beach far away from this—far away from him,” you assured yourself before you began walking to the door of the private waiting area where you were waiting for the jet to be ready.

This part of the airport was only for private jet access for landings and takeoffs and in order to get access to it you had to be on the list of frequent users. You bought the first row of magazines you saw then took the escalator down to the tarmac. Before you walked out the door you slipped your sunglasses on and took a deep breath.

The pilot, co-pilot, and the two attendants for the jet stood outside with pleasant and welcoming smiles on their faces. You were almost there, you said to yourself. Suddenly when you were mere steps from the lowered steps of the jet the loud rev of a motor drew your attention to your left. You watched as a low-sitting cherry red Lambo Sport quickly sped toward you. It swerved to the right in a messy and hurried parking job and just from the effortless move your subconscious knew who it was.

The door swung up and out stepped Lewis. He wore his dark sunglasses as he looked around. When he looked in your direction your belly did backflips.

“Shit,” you rushed out.

Your head told you to keep moving and get to the jet but you stood there motionless. Lewis took quick steps to you closing your window for escape within 6 or 7 strides. You hardly registered him standing there before you with his sunglasses off and lips moving with no sound. It wasn’t until you realized he was holding your hands did you snap out of your stupor.

“Y/N.”

You looked down at your joined hands then pulled yours back while widening the space between you.

“Em, uh—what’re you doing here?”

You saw the disappointment in his eyes from your actions, but you ignored it.

“Um—your father told me where you were.”

You scoffed then shook your head. “Ha, I see the great Lewis Hamilton is above consequences for his actions. Of course.”

You began walking again but Lewis slid in front of you blocking your path.

“No. I actually got a text from your dad about the long list of consequences for my actions. Consequences that I’ll be going through for so many months.”

You nodded. “Ah, there it is, regret.”

You stepped around him and continued walking. However, again, Lewis crept in front of you stopping you.

“The only thing I regret is hurting you.”

You studied him for a moment and in that moment your heart softened. Fighting it, you stepped around him and continued, “One regret in life, most would be jealous.”

“I didn’t say I have only one regret in life. I have a few but the only two pertaining to you were hurting you and not telling you how much I loved you sooner.”

That had you stopping in your tracks. You fought with everything in you to not look back at him and it was one of the hardest fights of your life.

“I’m sorry angel eyes. I’m so, so sorry. I should have told you the minute I knew I was in love with you. I should have told you that night in New York when we were at the Empire State Building. I should have said it after I told you that you make me want forever. I should have never chickened out and told you that night we made love, I should have told you freely often, so you knew just what you meant to me.”

You felt his heat behind you telling you he’d crept closer to you. When he stepped in front of you, you didn’t move this time. The war within you had picked up and it only increased your pain. Your tears suddenly rolled down your cheeks pooling around the rim of the sunglasses you wore. Your glasses were so dark you knew he couldn’t tell you were bawling and you wanted to keep it that way. If only your bottom lip would listen. You felt its slight tremble increase to full-on quivering.

“I know you’re angry with me. I know with everything that has happened and my mistakes you—you may even hate me and that breaks me in ways you wouldn’t even understand. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away and work through it together, I’m sorry I went ahead and made the wrong choices. I’m sorry for the things I said, I’m sorry for how it looked. I’m sorry for all of it.”

Sinking your teeth into your bottom lip, you tried to steady it, but it was useless. It was like the harder you tried to keep the tears at bay and your features neutral the more your body rebelled.

“I love you and I don’t want to lose you. This whole time I realized I’m terrified of losing you. Terrified you’ll walk away and decide that I’m more trouble than I’m worth. I’m terrified you are going to decide we shouldn’t be together and the thought of that is just—painful. I don’t want a reality we’re not together in.”

Lewis stood there searching the lens of your sunglasses as if he could really see your eyes. You could see the desperation in his and it made him look frazzled. You could tell he hadn’t planned any of this. He was spitballing and hoping something hit home. This was so out of character for him. This was a man who planned everything, he had the foresight of a wizard and saw an exorbitant amount of possible futures that he seemed prepared for all of them. This couldn’t have been the one situation he never saw coming. Could he really mean what he was saying? Part of you didn’t believe it and the other part was too afraid to believe it.

“I don’t want to waste any more time Y/N. I love you, I want you and I need you in my life and I will do anything to make that happen.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” you managed to get out.

Lewis’ brow crinkled as his confusion set in.

“I don’t believe that Y/N. You don’t even sound like you believe it.”

You dug your nails into your palm and the pain from it allowed you to regain control of your legs. However, before you could step around him, Lewis was reaching for your glasses. He lowered them down your nose bridge revealing your flooded eyes then slid them off completely showcasing to everyone around that you were bawling worse than a toddler.

Lewis took a step closer as he called your nickname in the softest voice, a voice you nearly buckled to. Nearly. Taking a few steps back, you avoided his eyes and wiped your face.

“You don’t mean that,” Lewis said his voice low.

“What don’t like that answer? I don’t know why. You were the one who said that you didn’t do monogamy and that I knew what you wanted from the very beginning. That I knew what it was you could and couldn’t offer. That I entertained it and you taking what you gave no complaints and that it’s my fault for thinking this was any different than what it was. That was you.”

Lewis took another step to you trying to touch your hand. “Angel eyes.”

“No, you said this was the life you wanted to lead. You drive fast cars and like everything else just as fast. I heard you.”

You stepped around him, but Lewis held your hand lacing his fingers between yours. They were clammy and it registered that it was probably from his nerves.

“Please don’t walk away from me. Please.”

You scrunched your face as fresh tears welled your eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me, Lewis.

“I want you.”

“I don’t know if I can trust that—trust you.”

“Because of her.”

“No. Look I understand what happened. I understand you were stuck between two impossible decisions, two decisions a normal person wouldn’t have to ever make. I get it. I’m not upset with you because you made the choice you did.”

“Then what?”

You spun to him ignoring the way he looked like a kicked puppy.

“It was easy for you. So fucking easy. You didn’t stutter, struggle, or hesitate. Everything was so effortless. The words you spoke, the way you allowed those women to touch you, the coldness in your eyes, the way you said the things you knew only I would get.”

Your emotions betrayed you and hot tears rolled down your cheeks. angrily you wiped them away hating how weak you felt right now. All the feelings of betrayal swamped you yet again and it felt like you hadn’t moved past it at all.

“It wasn’t. Fucking—it was the hardest thing I’ve done. It broke me.”

“No it broke me!”

Your shout bellowed over the open asphalt of the tarmac and it dawned on you that you were laying out your private matters where anyone could be watching or recording. Gathering your senses and emotions, you dried your tears and slipped your sunglasses back on.

“Ehm, I get why you did what you did. I even get why you chose that situation as the only one that I would believe, I get it. I just—,” you sighed then hesitated for a few moments. “I don’t know who you are anymore.”

Lewis sighed heavily then dropped his head back. When he took a step toward you as if he were ready to continue the debate you stopped him.

“I don’t know if I can trust the things you say or you, I don’t know what’s real or fake anymore and if I can’t know any of that I don’t think—there is no way that we can be anything to one another.”

“Y/N, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry. I just—I need to get out of here. I need to get away from--.”

“Me?”

“Everything.”

“Doesn’t it matter that I’m telling you I love you? Doesn’t it matter that I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Doesn’t it matter that I need you?”

Somehow his hand had found its way back to yours and unconsciously you’d laced your fingers as tightly as he’d laced his.

“I need time Lewis. I need space.”

It took a minute but slowly and reluctantly he unthreaded his fingers from yours until the only thing he was holding on to were your pinky fingers. It hit you then the last time he’d held you like this and that was when your tears really began. Your emotional state seemed to escalate his and he closed the space between you while gripping the life out of your fingers. It felt like he was trying with everything to hold on to you.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me.”

Before you could begin wailing, you pulled your fingers away and hurried to the waiting jet so you could fall apart. Once on the jet, you hightailed it to the bathroom then let everything out that you couldn’t in front of him. Everything that you fought so hard to hold in, every fear, regret, hurt, and doubt rolled down your cheek and heaved off of your chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

-9 Months Later-

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

The long tone of the heart monitors stuck with you. It was hours ago that you’d sat in the front seat of the viewing room as the final lethal cocktail was administered to the woman who’d ruthlessly and gleefully murdered your mother. It had been hours since you stared into her cold eyes with your calm ones as she took her last breath. It had been hours since you’d uttered the last words she’d ever hear.

“May you burn in hell for eternity with no chance of absolution.”

You took a deep breath as the sunshine warmed your skin. All around you, the chirps of birds and flapping of fish, ducks, and birds in the lake before you filled your ears. The peace you felt within you now was resounding. You’d used the months you were away for some deep soul-searching and deep cleaning of your mind and heart. You’d put in the work to center yourself and resolve the anger and hatred in your heart. It had taken months, but you’d accomplished it and were certain of it when you sat in front of Aleeza who didn’t look like she repented at all and didn’t feel anything but pity.

You took another deep breath and smiled as the scent of daffodils and ranunculus filled your nostrils. It felt like this was the first time you could take a real deep breath without feeling pain. Angling your head back, you opened your eyes and gazed into the sky from behind your dark sunglasses.

“Thanks for the beautiful day mom.”

Your phone rang but you ignored it as a rainbow stretched across the sky. Over the last 9 months, you’d taken the time to find joy in simple things like these. You’d found a newfound love for nature and the beauty and wonder of a new day. Whereas you’d hated sunrises before and only cherished sunsets, you found a new respect for them. You’d turned into an early riser while remaining a night owl. Your entire outlook on life had changed and it felt like a true new beginning.

“The sun loves you.”

You turned to find your father’s smiling face. You leaned in close looping your arm through his.

“The sun loves us. Look this is the sunniest spot in the park.”

He glanced around and nodded.

“1 to 10.”

You watched two swans on the lake gracefully cruising by in complete peace.

“9,” your replied.

Your father nodded.

“You?”

“9.”

You stared at each other then smiled. Two weeks after you’d left he’d followed you and had remained traveling with you for the last 9 months. It was time you were so grateful to have had with him. You both needed the change of pace and time to heal and perhaps your healing was easier with each other. From the very beginning, he’d taken a liking to asking you to gauge how you were on a 1 to 10 scale and gradually it had gone from 1 to a 9. Neither of you ever went past a 9 because nothing would ever be perfect without your mother but 9 was good enough.

“You’re right this is the sunniest spot.”

“It’s mom. She’s at peace,” you replied.

You both stared at the sky in silence.

“Maybe she’s letting you know it’s time for you to find peace.”

“You too dad.”

Your eyes met as both of you thought over your words. He nodded then wrapped his arm around your shoulders.

“You are my peace. I love you sweetheart.”

“I love you too dad.”

Again, your phone rang and again you ignored it. Nothing was more important than this moment.

The next morning while you were sitting with a tall mug of caffeine, your iPad, and the sunshine bathing you, you found yourself scrolling through Harrods and filling your cart with the newest and best trends over the last 2 months and racking up a hefty grand total. You were so lost in your happy place that you almost tuned out the sound of your ringing phone. By the time you reached it, you didn’t bother checking the ID.

“Hello?”

“Y/N? Hello?”

“Uh, hi. It’s me. Who’s this?”

When you heard the name of Lewis’ sister you froze.

“Uh. Say again.”

There was no mistaking it was her. You’d spoken to her several times and even spent a lot of time with her and the rest of his family. The first time you’d vacationed with them you asked if she was sure she was all right with you being around her children and she said Lewis would never have brought you around them if he hadn’t trusted you to be 1, a good person, and 2, someone important.

“Hello?”

“I—I’m here.”

“I thought the line got disconnected. I’m sorry to just call you out of the blue but I was hoping that we could grab coffee and scones.”

“Uh. With me?”

“Of course silly. Are you busy? I’ve heard you’ve been traveling for a bit, so I don’t know if you’re back in England.”

“Um, I just got back in town actually.”

“That’s great. Can you squeeze me in?”

You didn’t want to be impolite and ask her why she’d chosen you to want this coffee and scone with, but you were very curious.

“Well—uh--.”

“No pressure. I promise.”

You sighed then resolved to your fate. “Sure. Let’s do it.”

“Great! How about later at Minnow? Maybe noon?”

“Today? Oh um, sure. I’ll see you there.”

You ended the call but still stood there confused as to why she wanted to have coffee with you at all. Surely she knew what had happened between you and her brother. Surely she knew that the two of you didn’t have anything to talk about. Then it dawned on you the possibility of her not knowing what had happened. It would be a Lewis move to keep everything away from them after all. It didn’t take you long to abandon thinking about it and go back to shopping. However, as you shopped your mind did wander to her potential reasons for wanting to see you.

By the time noon rolled around you stepped into Minnow and looked around the small but charming coffee shop. Toward the back where the flowers hung down overhead, you spotted her waving you over with a bright smile. You made your way through the shop politely smiling at those you passed until you stopped in front of her.

“Hi,” she said before she threw her arms around you with so much enthusiasm it took you completely off guard.

“Um, hi. How are you?”

“I’m well. My goodness you look gorgeous.”

You removed your sunglasses and fanned her off. “I’m not all of that. Now you, stunning.”

She giggled and then sat. You took off your light trench, draped it on the back of the seat then sat in front of her.

“This is beautiful,” you said trying to ease the awkwardness.

“It is. One of my favorite stops.”

A waitress came by to take your order and she ordered a platter of scones and croissants in 3 different flavors for the table with her coffee. You recited your semi-specific order while thanking her. When it was just the two of you again she smiled at you.

“How were your travels?”

“Good. I love to travel, and this round really served its purpose.”

“That’s good. I’m glad to hear it.”

You nodded, then asked about her family and the kids.

“They’re wonderful. The kids are doing amazing, growing so fast I can’t stand it. Mum is healthy and enjoying every bit of her life. Everyone is great. Well, almost everyone but that’s neither here nor there.”

When she said it she looked away which made it pretty easy to know who she was referring to. At the mention of him probably not being all right, you felt your heart rate increase. You wanted to ask how he was but you also knew it was probably not a good idea. Then you doubled back and questioned yourself why it wasn’t a good idea. There was no way he was doing bad because of you, right? That possibility swirled around your head until you realized you’d stayed so quiet you hadn’t been listening to what she was saying.

“So that’s what brings me here today.”

You did your best to keep your face neutral while somewhat engaged to hide the fact that you hadn’t heard a word of what she’d said.

“Do you agree to it? Will you?”

You sat there completely lost as to what she’d asked you.

“Um.”

Just then, the waitress returned with your items. She carefully placed them on the table then walked off to where she’d come from. Buying yourself more time, you took a timid sip of your beverage and took the extended time to swallow it.

“Y/N?”

“Hm? Oh uh—yeah.”

“Yeah? You will?”

You nodded and hoped you hadn’t agreed to something torturous. She lit up and clapped her hands together. “Yay, that’s wonderful. I know she’s going to love having you there. Since meeting you last Thanksgiving she really took a liking to you. She talks about you all the time and when she watches the women’s F1 she is glued to the screen for all of your interviews. She is going to be overjoyed to have you at her birthday party. The big 8!”

That’s when you got it. You’d just agreed to go to her daughter’s 8th birthday party. Oh shit, you thought while trying to not appear as panicked outside as you currently felt.

“I was so worried about asking you. I for sure thought you would say no or make an excuse as to why you couldn’t come. I’m relieved.”

“I’m flattered by the invite. I had no idea she liked me.”

She snorted, “Liked you? Since the last time she saw you, she’s been asking Lewis about you. Where is Y/N? When will she come by? Will she be here for Easter? Can we go get ice cream with Y/N? Can we go with you to the track maybe Y/N will be there? On and on and on, she and her brother. You’ve made an impact.”

You smiled as warmth filled you. You’d had no idea.

“Kids are pretty straightforward. They run off of vibes and are usually great judges of character. From first meeting you that was it.”

Your smile widened, “Your kids are above average human beings, so I’m flattered.”

She smiled clearly eating the praise up. For the next several minutes, you both drank your drinks and sampled the scones and croissants while making small talk. Slowly your nerves died down and you began to relax. This wasn’t nearly as bad or awkward as you’d expected, you said to yourself as you finished all the croissants almost an hour into the coffee meet.

She gave you all the details for the party and even some insight into her latest obsessions so you didn’t have too hard a time finding a gift. Once you’d finished your drinks and ordered another to go, you settled the bill and prepared yourselves to leave. Before either of you stood from the table, she placed a gentle hand atop yours.

“I wasn’t going to do this because I don’t want to be that sister who meddles in their siblings' affairs. I was just going to bring up the party and catch up then be on my way but sitting here with you I picked up on a few things and want to get one thing said if I may.”

Every single one of your nerves came back then. You sipped from your to-go cup preparing yourself, then nodded.

“By all means, unburden yourself.”

She nodded then took a few moments before she continued. “I love my brother. For a long time he was the baby in the family and in some ways still is the baby even though he’s a grown man. I’m sure you understand why.”

You smiled softly and nodded.

“I want him to be happy. We all do. He deserves it more than anyone I know because what the public, press, and fans get wrong about him is what we know about him. He’s a kind, sweet, giving, and a gentle soul who wants the best for even the smallest ant.”

You could see her getting emotional and tried to remain indifferent. “He is so deserving of love and I want him to have what I’ve been blessed with. I’m not saying this to guilt you into being with him again. He told us what he did and took the blame for the way things are between you. I hold no grudges or ill will toward you for it. Sometimes he can be a daft—bugger and do the stupidest things all with good intention.”

You scoffed and took another sip from your cup.

“I also know that you were the second woman I’d ever seen him fall in love with. Like actually. We all knew it before he said a word. In his nearly 40 years, you’re just the second but you are the first who truly saw all of him and accepted it. With the first he didn’t have this reputation this larger-than-life persona there was nothing to overlook. Now there is a lot more and you saw it going in, played with caution, accepted him, and had the genuineness to love him back.”

You looked away from her then, but you still listened.

“I’ve been alive long enough to know a thing or twenty about love. I know running from it never works because you’ll run your marathon only to end up in a different place with the same thing you’d run from staring you in the face. I know pretending there isn’t love where it resides is also a fool’s errand. Pretending will only bring pain, stress, and unhappiness. I know that letting something go only to have it wait for you and remain yours means it is and has always been yours. And last, I know that one should never just throw love away, not the love plenty spend a lifetime trying to find.”

You smirked and nodded. She stared at you as if to really drive home her point. You smiled. “I understand.”

She nodded again, “I understand if you change your mind by the day of the party. I get it and I won’t hold it against you. I won’t tell her and leave this completely in your field.”

You reached across and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”

She smiled and stood. You followed suit then walked out of the shop. The two of you hugged and said your goodbyes before going your separate ways. Once in your car you sat there for a few minutes and allowed yourself to settle. It was something you’d learned over the last several months. Giving yourself the time to be was important. Once you’d come to terms with it, you made your way back to your condo. You were in need of a long soak in a rose milk bubble bath.

~~~~~~~~~

-Four Days Later-

You inspected your outfit in the mirror from every angle. This was your 4th possible look and like the others before it, you found fault with it. This one didn’t make your thighs look good enough. You groaned, then began stripping as you approached the next possible outfit. Your walk-in closet looked like a tornado had hit it and there were no survivors. You took another sip of your Mai Tai and moaned.

Once you were in the dress, you used your gadget to zip the back of it then took another sip from your glass. The white looked good against your skin and the fit showed off your curves. The only thing you worried about was the eyelet cutouts scattered across the dress and the low plunging neck.

“Is this appropriate?”

It made your breasts look incredible, but it didn’t feel like the right choice for a child’s birthday party. Groaning, you kicked off the heels you’d been wearing and dropped into the pouf that was beside your jewelry display.

“Am I over thinking this? I am aren’t I?”

You dropped your head into your hands and took a few minutes to pull yourself together. You recited your daily mantra that you’d been saying for the last 9 months and centered yourself.

“It’s just a party, Y/N. You are tripping for no reason. It’s not a big deal.”

On the one hand, you knew what you said was true but on the other hand, you knew you had reason to freak out. 9 months was a long time. You’d purposefully stayed away from any news, gossip, and or coverage related to him. His name was a tag you put on every social media outlet and any notification setting so that you didn’t mistakenly get any sort of update relating to him. By the 3rd week, you’d put his number on the block list just to be safe. It wasn’t that you thought he’d call you didn’t want to risk calling or texting him during a moment of weakness and confusion.

Even since being back in town, you hadn’t taken the restrictions off. You’d mainly remained inside your condo so bumping into him wouldn’t be possible. Your social media settings were the same, so the only worry was hearing something on Sky Sports or some other sports channel. You’d been lucky so far. However, out of sight did not equate to out of mind. If he were paid for how often you found him on your mind, he could have become a millionaire off of those thoughts alone.

From the corner of your eye, you saw a bubble gum pink fabric sticking out of its row of similar colored items. Once standing before the row you took the item down and smiled. It was perfect. With a smile, you stripped off the look you wore and put on the long pink maxi dress that screamed effortless, comfortable, chic, fun, and just a hint of sexy. When you spun and checked your reflection from all the necessary angles you nodded. It was perfect.

Almost an hour later you rolled through the heavy security check at the venue. You’d been here once before with Lewis and as you waited in the line of cars the memories from that day played in your head. The surprise picnic had been a sweet date but the fact that he’d shut the entire garden down for the day made you melt further. You gave your name to the guard and watched as he checked his device. He smiled then nodded as he pointed you to the way to go.

You sat in the car as you waited for a valet to come and get your car and the whole time you looked around for a possible exit. Before you could pull out of the line a valet approached your car. With a final breath, you gathered your clutch and the stack of gifts you’d brought with you. You thanked him then followed the laid-out path for guests.

Every few steps you stopped and allowed those behind you to continue because the memories were only bombarding you more and more. You were a tad bit more than fashionably late by now and you weighed your options of discreetly dropping off the gifts and going home rather than staying. You knew the longer you stayed the more the memories would demand attention.

“Ma’am? Are you lost? Can I help?”

The woman who approached you looked very friendly which made you bite your tongue in an effort to not snap at her.

“Um, I’m all right. Thank you.”

“Are you here for the Hamilton event?”

“Uh, yes.”

“Great. You’re on the right path. Follow the flower road and you can’t miss it.”

You smiled and thanked her. Following her instructions, you slowly followed the gorgeous path of flowers using the time to remind yourself of just who the fuck you were. All this excessive thinking was so unnecessary. With your head high, and shoulders back you approached the massive flower gate. Once you stepped through, your jaw dropped. She was right, there was no way you could miss this. Stretched out before you on the great lawn was a child’s dream. Inflatables, party games, food, and everything imaginable all complimented by massive flower designs. It looked incredible and perfect for a little princess.

Kids were scattered about socializing, playing games, and or losing their ever-loving minds probably hopped up on an excessive amount of sugar. Just looking at everything you could tell this cost a small fortune but it was so beautiful that you imagined nobody cared and agreed it was worth it. You wandered around the lawn taking it all in when to your right in the distance you caught sight of the massive flower maze where Lewis had once pulled you into. You’d played hide and seek and every time he found you his reward was a piece of your clothing. When he’d gotten you to your lace bra, you upped the stakes and turned the tables on him for the same reward.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to be left in your underwear. That was when the chase really began. When he caught you, he perched you against the edge of the fountain that was in the middle and had his 2nd dessert of the day which led to an adventurous and risky fuck right against one of the flowered hedges. You both came out smelling heavily of roses with leaves stuck to you.

The memory took you by surprise and nearly brought you to your knees. You didn’t know how it felt so fresh all this time later. You could still feel his lips against your pulse point and smell the roses that kissed his skin with every thrust into your core.

“For fuck’s sake!”

“Oooh, you said a bad word,” a childlike voice accused.

Your eyes flew open and to your shock, there was a little girl with sandy brown ringlet hair staring at you with a large lollipop in hand. She said it again and this time she said it very loudly. Looking around, you found everyone in the vicinity looking at you.

A high-pitched squeal sounded then you heard a miniature voice excitedly scream your name. Your head snapped in the direction and saw the birthday girl running to you like you were her most favorite person in the world. In a matter of seconds, she’d crossed the expanse of the great lawn and threw herself into you nearly taking you off your feet in the process.

“You’re here, you’re here, you’re here!”

Her excitement was so contagious that you giggled along with her.

“Hi!”

“Hi, hi, hi, hi!”

You snorted as you realized she was just as hopped up on sugar as everyone else. You stooped down, placed the stack of gifts under your right arm on the grass then hugged her properly.

“You’re here! I missed you. I knew you’d come. I knew it, I knew it!”

You laughed at how quickly she spoke but it wasn’t a good enough distraction because you felt the prick of tears at her excitement to see you. It was something you hadn’t expected. You didn’t think you mattered at all to her since it had only been less than two years you’d been in her life. You didn’t think you’d made any impact but seeing the joy in her eyes and feeling the tightness of her grip on you, your heart melted.

“I would never miss your birthday. Oooh look at you, you’re gorgeous. Are you a fairy?”

She nodded, smiled widely then spun around so you got the full effect of her fairy gown.

“Wow, you are the most graceful fairy I have ever seen. The Pixie Hallow girls better look out!”

She giggled some more and any nerves you’d felt disappeared. Just as you opened your mouth to say something else a blur of blue collided into your right side tackling you to the grass.

“Y/N!”

Wasting no time, the birthday girl jumped on you until the three of you were a bundle of arms, legs, and material. You laughed so loudly that you were sure you’d drawn the attention of everyone from the actual entertainment. They both chattered happily firing question after question at you, not giving you any time whatsoever to answer them. When Lewis’ nephew began making fun of the bright girly colors he was surrounded by you tickled him making him squeal and wiggle.

“Y/N! You made it.”

You looked up into a grown pair of eyes similar to the minis currently sprawled across you.

“Hi. I did.”

“Oh my goodness, guys get off of her. She’s wearing such a beautiful dress.”

You fanned her off telling her you didn’t care about the dress. That was all the two of them needed to hear because they happily sat on you. Willow played with your hair while Kaiden poked at his sister doing what big brothers did well. Lewis’ mom approached with a bright smile.

“Y/N.”

“Mrs--,” you began before she cut you off and gave you a stern eye. “Em, Ms. Carmen.”

She held her arms out for a hug and that was when the kids got off of you. You looked around for your clutch as you reached a hand out. It rested in a warm one and instantly electricity shot through you. You snapped your head in the direction of the surge and came face to face with Lewis. That surge of electricity turned to a blaze as if a thunderbolt had released its wrath upon you. A wrath that had been charging for 9 long months.

You stumbled back down and his arm came around you steadying you and holding you against him. Your eyes remained locked on one another, and you didn’t know how much time passed as such. The heat from his hands seared your skin branding you, marking you as if to finally show anyone who looked just who you belonged to. Who you’d always belong to, a tiny voice in the back of your head muttered. A voice that had been getting louder and louder as the date of your return to England approached. This voice was not fucking around anymore.

The fluttering in your belly increased so rapidly that you felt like you were currently going down a massive decline on a rollercoaster. As your heart thumped louder than you could conceal you found yourself pressing closer to him. The shock in his eyes spoke volumes. He didn’t know you were coming but the tightness of his grip said it was a welcomed surprise.

“Look Uncle Lewis, it’s Y/N! She came for my birthday. I told you she liked me.”

Just like that the spell had been broken, but it was Lewis who pulled away from you quicker than you’d expected. As if he wasn’t far enough, he took several steps back.

“Of course she likes you. There is no one in this world who would not like Princess Willow,” Lewis said before he lifted her into his arms.

You turned your attention back to his mother and hugged her. She rocked you from side to side as if she’d longed for the hug for months.

“You’ve been missed.”

“You’re sweet.”

She pulled back, cupped your cheeks, and stared into your eyes.

“The same sad eyes I look into daily.”

Your smile slipped as you gathered her meaning.

“Ehm. Thank you for coming, Y/N.”

“Of course, I wouldn’t miss it.”

You turned for the gifts but found they had already been gathered for you. Two arms hooked yours and led you across the lawn. You smiled and said hello to those you passed as they led you wherever they wanted.

“I see someone got the invitation.”

You turned to see your father’s smiling face.

“Dad? What are you doing here?”

“Of course coming to celebrate this little fairy’s birthday,” he replied.

“You didn’t tell me.”

“No. I decided to let the chips fall where they would and I see they fell just where I expected.”

You swatted at his forearm hoping to get him to change the subject. Flawlessly he did just that.

“Everything is beautiful.”

“Honestly, Willow told Lewis a theme and this came from his imagination.”

You smiled to yourself believing it. The man had a flair for extravagance but also an eye for things like this.

“I love it Uncle Lewis!”

“I’m happy to hear it. I’m going to keep making the rounds,” he said placing Willow on her feet.

Without another word, he disappeared into the crowd. You realized then that you could take a deep breath again. A snort escaped you because you were beginning to realize that fate was anything but subtle. As everyone scattered to mingle you stuck to your father’s side and walked around the gardens. You took glass after glass of rosé drinking them all down as you came face to face with memories that played so vividly before you like whisps of your former selves were acting out every event.

After an hour or so you found yourself awestruck with the interior that looked like an enchanted forest. He’d really dug into the depths of his imagination for this. Suddenly a thought hit you about how great of a dad he’d be. It was a thought you’d had plenty of times before and each time you’d found yourself picturing a little boy with his eyes and gap-tooth who loved go-carting and racing as much as he did.

“Honey, did you hear me?”

“Hm?”

“I asked if you’ve seen the flower maze.”

Several pairs of eyes drifted to you but one pair remained turned down glued to his plate.

“Um, yes I saw it.”

“It’s breathtaking, Ms. Carmen chimed in.

“You should go through it. Roses everywhere,” she added.

Lewis kept his head down while you struggled to string two words together.

“Should we go take a look?”

“No!”

Everyone looked at you strangely.

“I mean--.”

Lewis looked at you then and you knew he was thinking of the same thing you were.

“Em, I wore the wrong shoes today my heels will only dig into the grass more.”

“Plenty of people are barefoot, there’s nothing wrong if you do it too.”

“I’m no good at mazes, I’ll only get lost,” you attempted.

“Then take Lewis with you. He’s good at things like that,” Ms. Carmen added.

“I’m going to make sure everything is ready," Lewis said before he stood from the table and once again disappeared.

For some reason, you glanced at your father beside you but he was already watching you with a soft smile on his lips. He nodded his head almost in a reassuring way then went back to his meal.

After, you watched Willow and her friends dance around as the smoke machine went off and balloons fell from the ceiling. She was having the time of her life. Every so often your eyes kept drifting to Lewis who stood to the side also watching her. He hadn’t returned to the table and had kept his distance. Matter of fact he’d been doing it all day as if he didn’t want to crowd you. It made you feel strange, and you didn’t know why. You looked over him taking your time to trail over his outfit that you knew he’d put plenty of thought and effort into. It was a good choice, the simple white t-shirt paired well with his pale pink pastel patterned pants while the pastel yellow and blue patterned denim material jacket he wore pulled it all together.

When your eyes slowly raked back up his body you found him looking in your direction. You should have instantly looked away, but you didn’t. You kept eye contact and fully sank into the lightheaded feeling his eyes always brought. He slowly licked his lips and it felt as if you’d momentarily gone through menopause as a sweltering hot flash rushed through you. That was when you looked away and excused yourself from the table. With hurried steps, you walked back out onto the great lawn and then stopped. You bent, unbuckled your heels, and peeled them off then quickly walked in the opposite direction from the maze.

Ten or so minutes later you found yourself nearing the maze entrance though you’d tried to stay clear of it. Aggravated you about faced and hurried away. Lost in thought you wandered around the gardens with no clear direction in mind. However, a while later you found yourself right back in front of the maze.

“For fuck’s sake.”

You rolled your eyes then walked inside. If the universe wanted you to go in you’d ace the shit out of this maze. Slowly you made your way through the winding paths while trailing your fingertips along the roses. The deeper you went the stronger the scent of roses surrounded you. The headier the scent the more real the memories felt. By the time you made it to the fountain in the center, you knew this was your mother’s work with the universe.

When at the opposite side of the fountain you hopped up on the ledge and stared at the large hedge in front of you. There was nowhere to go in that direction, and it felt very symbolistic. You also had nowhere to go. It was as simple as that. You recalled the looks, the smiles, and the touches between you that day and everything else faded away. You smiled. The sound of your notifications had you digging into your clutch to see a message from your father.

MSG Dad: I meddled once and told myself not to do it again and I was going to end it there but then I saw your reactions to one another today and I think it would make me a bad parent if I didn’t meddle once more and show you this. Do with it as you will. I love you, sweetheart. Remember a man’s mistakes do not define him. What defines him is his character when no one is looking and when there is nothing to gain. And your fear should not define you. The depth of your heart and willingness to let love in could.

You sniffled then an airdropped file appeared. You attempted to tap it a few times but with each attempt, you chickened out. Your finger hovered over it for several minutes before you took a few deep breaths and tapped it. The file opened to show a video. You recognized your father’s office and as the audio began you realized it was your father and Lewis talking.

You watched the events of his meeting with Lewis the same day you’d left. With every word Lewis spoke, he did not sound like a worried or fearful man who’d fucked up and slept with his boss’ daughter. He sounded resolved as if he accepted his wrongdoings and was not interested in downplaying it or escaping ownership. For some reason not hearing him apologize for it made your chest swell. As the video played out and you listened to Lewis tell him with conviction how he felt for you the knot in your throat turned into a rock.

You watched as your father placed the documents on his desk and held your breath as you waited to see what Lewis’ move would be. You didn’t have to wait long before you watched him stand and cross the office to sign his name on the papers all without reading a single word. Instantly, you thought that was stupid of him. Everyone knew to always read things before you sign them especially when you were someone who had so much to lose. The video played out with your father ripping the papers and telling him where you were.

You’d always suspected it was your father who’d given him your location because he was the only one who knew it. Now you had confirmation. Your laugh began as a snort but soon turned to a full-on hearty cackle. You closed your eyes and allowed Lewis’s words to echo back in your head.

“There was no way that I would have been able to stay away from your daughter. It wasn’t possible from the beginning because what’s meant to be cannot be avoided and I believe that we were meant for one another.”

Your throat tightened with emotion.

“I love her because she’s the sun and the moon to me, the rise and set of every day. She makes me feel things I was always scared to, things I’d convinced myself I didn’t need in my life because they were risky and distracting. She’s shown me that truly loving is braver than driving a tiny car that goes upwards of 200 miles per hour.”

Your eyes pricked and stung.

“I’m not all right with not having her in my life.”

Your heart sped, thumping so loudly it filled your ears blocking out all other sounds.

"It doesn’t bother me in the least to sign this. She’s worth so much more.”

Your tears spilled over the rims of your eyes, rolling down your cheeks. However, before the tears you’d cried were sorrow filled, painful, and heartbreaking. These were different. They didn’t carry the weight of the entire world in them. They were lite and comforting.

“I love her. I only want her.”

The butterflies in your belly took flight sending your entire being into a state of gleefulness.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes snapped open and like you’d wished him there, Lewis stood before you with a timid look on his face. When he registered your tears he took another step to you as his brows crinkled with worry.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen?”

He grabbed your hand and your eyes dropped to it. Almost instantly he released you and stepped back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I—I just—you’re crying. I thought something was wrong.”

You wiped your cheeks with the back of your hand then took a deep breath.

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” you said.

Lewis didn’t look as if he believed one word out of your mouth. He assessed you, searching for the hidden meaning behind your words but when you didn’t move to say anything further he nodded.

“Okay. Um, I’m sorry to—I didn’t mean to crowd you or bother you. I came for a walk, and you were here. I’m gonna go and you can go back to having your space.”

He turned and walked back around the fountain to the walkway. You watched him clench and unclench his fist and smiled. You knew the tick; he had plenty more to say and was trying to restrain himself.

“The funny thing about space is you want it so bad you can taste it and then you get it—a lot of it but suddenly and all at once that space becomes suffocating, uncomfortable, and even painful. Before you know it, you wake up one day and in the span of hours or minutes the space that you wanted becomes the last thing you need.”

Lewis had stopped but his back was turned to you. You waited for him to engage and prayed he would. You knew the ball was in your court with this but you also knew 9 months was a long time. You’d been apart and had no communication. You were practically strangers now. You had no idea where his life was let alone his head. What if he was over you? What if he’d decided by month 3 that he’d had enough?

“And what is it that you need now?”

Relief filled you. “A few things really. First I need to apologize to you.”

“For what?”

“I asked for space and time, and I left and didn’t look back. I selfishly left you in this state of suspended animation without thought or care and I am sorry for that. It was inconsiderate and selfish of me. I see that now and I’m sorry for it.”

“Ok, you’ve apologized.”

The reply wasn’t what you’d expected or wanted but his standoffishness was a result of your own. You understood.

“Is that all?”

His voice was cold, almost angry.

“Why would you sign away your career just for my dad’s approval of you?”

Lewis turned and looked at you. “What?”

“My dad showed me the video of your meeting.”

He scoffed. “I’m not doing this Y/N. I’ve said everything I could possibly say to you for you to understand why I would—how I feel about--.”

Lewis sighed then shook his head. “Let’s not.”

He turned again to leave, and panic filled you. Hopping off the edge of the fountain, you fully turned to him.

“Second, I need you,” you rushed out.

Your words stopped him, but they didn’t make him turn around.

“I want you and I need you. I’m sorry I had to leave to figure that out, I’m sorry I had to stay away so long to understand. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see it before or trust in you and what we had—could have. I’m sorry Lewis. If I’m honest with myself I’d figured it out after six months but that fear held me longer. The fear that you couldn’t be trusted, the fear that you were lying to me for some ulterior motive, the fear that I was being stupid and gullible and refusing to see the writings on the wall. I was so scared to risk getting my heart destroyed by you again and that fear kept me away, that fear kept me running from you but I’m tired of running and so done with it. There have been so many signs directing me to the truth, so many signs pointing me to you and everything we started. It came to the point where it was stupid for me to try to ignore them anymore. It was impossible.”

Still Lewis kept his back to you and the longer he did the more fear filled you, the same fear you’d been determined to let go.

“I know it’s been a long time and I know that I’ve hurt you probably almost as bad as you hurt me and I know that people change and things change. I have no idea where you are in your life now or who—you have in your life,” you said ending in a whisper.

Lewis spun around then. “Are you being serious right now? Who I have in my life?”

He looked at his wit’s end like he was seconds away from blowing up at you.

“What part of no matter what, from this day on there will be no one else. Just you. Even if you decide that you want nothing else to do with me, I will love you from afar, but it will still forever and always till my last breath, just be you, do you not understand?”

You stood there speechless and even that set him off.

“Like I don’t understand why it’s hard for you to fathom or why it hasn’t sunk in yet. I—love—you. I am in love with you. I want you!”

His voice boomed in the maze as he spelled it out for you. Your tears rolled again.

“I love you too. I’m in love with you too and I want you too,” you whined through your tears.

Lewis took you in for a few moments then he walked around to you.

“Say that again.”

You scrunched your face and allowed your tears to free fall. You didn’t care if he saw them or knew your weakness and vulnerability at this moment.

“I am head over heels in love with you Lewis Hamilton. I love all of you without reservation and without shame. I love you because you love me through my fear of you. I love you because since your cocky ass waltzed into my life trying to prove you weren’t like your old self I’ve never loved like this. I love you because you’d risk it all for me. I love you because through loving you I’ve realized that everything I doubted and didn’t believe in that was written in Corinthians is true. I love you and I want you, all of you completely, from this day for all the days.”

You knew you were full-on ugly crying in front of him with snot possibly dripping down your nose, but you didn’t care. Lewis’ glistening eyes overflowed.

“Fuck I should make you work for this but I’m such a fucking simp for you.”

Lewis rushed you then crashed his lips against yours setting off the fireworks behind your eyes and in your head. In the distance, a chorus began while instruments blared all to the rapid beating of your heart, a heart that matched the one that was behind the chest pressed to yours. Your lips urgently claimed his not being able to get enough of him.

When Lewis pulled away you stared at one another all the hurry melting from you. It was at this moment the two of you truly saw one another. There was nothing between you, no walls, barriers, fears, or hesitations. You were both all in. He kissed you once on your lips, then both your cheeks then your forehead before ending on the tip of your nose. His eyes then locked on yours.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me. I promise you my future,” he recited, further ruining you.

His thumbs swiped away the rivers rolling down your cheeks before he kissed them. You felt tear drops softly land on your collar. When Lewis pulled back you saw they were his. You hooked your pinky fingers with his.

“I promise to respect you. I promise not to have you looking wild in these streets. I promise to value your thoughts and opinions. I promise to value you and your place in my life. I promise to have your back. I promise to be there for you when you need me. I promise to keep the past in the past. I promise to protect you. I promise to keep you in my heart. I promise it’s just you and me. I promise you my future.”

He smiled kissed you again then pressed his forehead to yours. You both stood there taking in the moment and the weight of the promises you’d just exchanged for the second time. They meant so much more now than they had two years ago.

“Your father gave me permission to date you in the open, you think he’d give me his permission to marry you?”

Your eyes snapped open, and you gazed deeply into his to see if he was serious. You found no humor in his deep mahogany orbs.

“I’m serious. I want to make you my wife, not my girlfriend. I want to refer to you as my wife, not my girlfriend, Mrs. Hamilton, and Y/F/N Hamilton, not Y/F/N & Y/L/N. I want to live with you under one roof, I want to make plans year after year. I want to start family traditions with you. I want to have a little girl with your eyes and smile who has me wrapped around her finger from her first breath. I want a son with your drive and forehead who knows from the first breath he takes he’s a king. I want a lifetime of loving you, supporting you, and being your biggest fan. I want a wife for life.”

“Are you—did you just—what’re--.”

Lewis dropped to one knee before you stunning you silent.

“Y/F/N & Y/L/N, do you love me?”

“Yes," you whispered.

“Do you love me enough to spend the rest of our lives together?”

You nodded, unable to find the words.

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

His smile was the widest and brightest you’d seen in a long time. He stood and lifted you into his arms swinging you around as the both of you laughed.

“You mean it?”

“With everything in me.”

He kissed you again and again all over your face. When he wrapped his arms around you again, he whispered in your ear his lips skimming the shell.

“You make me want forever.”

You stayed there hidden as the sunset bathed you in its beautiful amber glow keeping you encapsulated in your bubble of joy and hope for new beginnings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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[quixoticall]

This Could Get Ugly 3. The Rise and Subsequent Fall of Eddie Munson

Summary: It's 1983 and The Downsides need another lead singer and you just happen to need a band--it's a perfect match. The only issue? You have to pretend to be in a relationship with your bandmate, Steve Harrington, but you can't help but be drawn to the band's broody guitar player.

pairing: s.h. x fem!reader, e.m. x fem!reader, j.b. x n.w., r.b x n.w.

warnings: Heavy drug use, misogyny, angst, past!Eddie x Chrissy

MASTERLIST🎸

Previous Chapter 🎹

WC: 2.7K

A/N: Halloween came early this year I guess! Take this early chapter as a thank you all for your follows, reblogs and likes! The idea of my fic being so well-received warms my heart! Enjoy!

***

EDDIE: Okay, here we go.

 I’m Eddie Munson, lead guitar for The Downsides.

 I  grew up trailer trash in some town that no one’s ever heard of. My mom died when I was eight and my dad was in and out of jail pretty much my entire life--well, until those royalty checks started rolling in, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

  People always use the dead mom/jailbird dad thing to either turn me into a sob story or villainize me, so I generally tend to avoid talking about it but since it's you, I'll say this: the thing I remember most about my mother is her absence and there is not a single redeeming thing about ole' Munson Sr. but I don't think they're responsible for any of the ways I've fucked up over the years. Nah, kid, that was all me.

Let’s get to the good stuff, shall we?

At the tender age of ten, I was gifted an old beat-up guitar by my uncle. Clearly, something he had picked up at the local Goodwill to try and keep me occupied and out of trouble. The neighbors hated us after. They hated us, even more, when it turned out that I could actually play.

When I was 18, Uncle Wayne got the idea that I was ready to commit to a life of indentured servitude over at the factory and that did not sit well with me, at all. I wanted to be a musician. But, instead of talking to him about it, you know, like a rational person? I just ran.

I sold my van and got a one-way ticket to LA. The metal scene was starting to pop up on the strip and music—metal—was the only thing I was good at, so I thought, ‘what the hell!’ and booked it. I slummed it for a few months and then, through some stroke of luck, I heard about a band that was auditioning for a new guitar player since their last one got hitched and quit. The Metal Gods smiled down on me the day of the audition because that same afternoon they called me back and told me they wanted me on as lead guitar.

1982

“It Was You”, your duet with The Letterman’s peaked at number 6 on Billboard’s Top 100 in October of 1982.

Suddenly, everyone wanted you to be featured in their songs. Your EP did well enough, but it didn’t even crack the top 30. That didn’t keep you from being the hot new thing on the scene and a

huge part of that was your reputation.

Of course, people knew who you were because of your groupie days, and you unintentionally built a reputation for being romantically involved with different musicians. So, when you broke out on the scene with a romantic duet, people started talking, and the tabloids began to spin stories about you and Jason being romantically linked which only caused a buzz for the song. You, of course, hated this and vehemently denied being involved with Jason to anyone who would listen. Jason, meanwhile, played it coy with the press, only fueling the rumors and your rage.

“Listen, I hate the guy as much as you do, sweetheart, but you got to respect the strategy,” Murray had said after hearing you gripe about one particularly salacious headline.

Before the year was through, you had been featured in five other duets. All with male artists. All resulting in more and more outlandish dating rumors. And all enjoying a lengthy stay on the top of the charts.

Starcourt had begun to push you to take it a step further and Brenner had asked for Murray to arrange outings between you and whatever male artist you were collaborating with. The meetings—you refused to call them dates—were always somewhere that was strategically public, somewhere where there was always at least one paparazzi with their cameras locked and ready. The pictures they would take would always make it to at least one gossip magazine, which resulted in even more publicity for the song.

Your partners—you refused to call them dates—were, at their best, cordial and business-like, one or two of them even asked for your permission before holding your hand. At their worst, though, they were handsy, entitled, and rude. None of them ever tried to ask you out on a real date and you weren't sure what that said about you.

Soon you were racking up duets and notoriety in equal measures. Radio DJs would make jokes about you every time they would play one of your songs—and they played your songs a lot. Once, while you were walking around Rodeo, a woman stopped you in the middle of the street and told you, very brazenly, that you needed to stop sleeping around so much. Before you could even tell her off, though, she proceeded to gush about how much she loved your duet with The Letterman's.

It seemed like everyone seemed to see you in a similar light though: they thought you were some sort of despicable maneater but all they wanted was more of a reason to talk about how you were a despicable maneater.

Murray had his work cut out for him, “We just need to find a way for you to have this same buzz all the time.”

***

EDDIE: Things started to pick up with Corroded Coffin. We were playing shows pretty much every night.  As I said, metal was on the rise and we were at the forefront. Eventually, record label bigwigs had no choice but to acknowledge that.

Some of them got smart and started poaching bands early on, like Starcourt. Corroded Coffin signed with them in ‘82. We thought we were hot shit after that.

There’s a certain lifestyle that goes along with that, though, you know? A reputation that you have to uphold.

I'm not trying to make excuses for myself here, trust me. I'm just...trying to explain myself.

People always love to talk shit. They'll call you all sorts of names before they see you as an actual person. Trust me, I would know. But, these interviews are an opportunity to set the record straight, to finally be seen as an actual person.

So, there I was, a nineteen-year-old kid from Bumfuck nowhere, finally making it big, finally feeling like I belonged somewhere--like for the first time I wasn't a freak whose mom died or some trailer trash high school dropout--of course, I was gonna get swept up in it all. Of course, I was going to start picking up the bad habits and doing drugs. There was no one there to tell me otherwise.

It started out as something to get us through the madness that was our schedule: between the live shows and the studio time, we needed uppers just to keep us on our feet. Then, obviously, you needed the downers so you could fucking relax because the uppers made you so tense. 

I stopped enjoying the drugs pretty early on, but at that point quitting wasn't something that I was willing to put that much effort into. 

1983

The first time someone asked for your autograph, you were at a show at Whiskey a Go Go. Murray, acting as a sort of manager, had set up a photo opp with Charles Riva, your latest duet partner. He hadn’t shown that night but you never walked away from a live show.

Two girls, not much younger than you, appeared behind you as you were ordering at the bar and tapped you on the shoulder.

“See, I told you it was her,” the shorter one, a strawberry blonde with severe bangs whispered excitedly to her friend, a taller brunette.

Before you could ask either of them exactly what they wanted, the strawberry blonde spoke again, “Can we have your autograph?”

You could only nod dumbly as they handed you a cocktail napkin and a pen. You tried to think of something meaningful to write, but in your shock, could only come up with “Best wishes, xoxo”. You didn’t even ask them their names. The best you could do was offer to buy them a drink, which they happily accepted.

You regretted the offer as soon as you registered how young they looked underneath all that makeup, an observation that made you unsettlingly sad. You were reminded of your first days on the Strip: lonely and young and wanting someone to notice you for the right reasons.

Your thoughts became too heavy to deal with at that particular moment and you abruptly excused yourself, leaving the two confused girls behind. A shame, you thought to yourself, in another life you might’ve all been friends, but no one really wants to be your friend these days. They just want to tell people they’re your friends. Walking away saves everyone the disappointment.

You needed a drink.

By the time the main act had taken the stage, your vision had started to haze at the edges as a result of the multiple drinks you had procured for yourself. You watched, half-interested as a band you’d never heard of, Corroded Coffin took the stage, your eyes tracing after each member, eyeing the things only a fellow musician would: the models of equipment they had, the way the band queued each other up.

You didn't know enough about metal yet to know whether you'd consider yourself a fan or not but even with the little familiarity you have, you can tell this band is good. Their playing is unpolished but overflowing with energy and the crowd is feeding into it, screaming the lyrics along with the lead singer.

All of it reminds you of your first show at the Strip—what seemed ages ago—and that memory summons a whole other thought entirely: the reason that you had gotten into music was to actually make music you liked, not to be a topic of discussion in a gossip magazine, getting no say in the music you created.

You don't even remember the last time you had even written a lyric.

You think to yourself that maybe you should wander backstage after the show, like you once did and talk to the band. Maybe you could pick their brains about songwriting. They clearly didn’t care about mass appeal if they were making metal music which means they were probably doing it for the art.

At the very least they probably had a decent stash of pills.

Either way, it would be worth it.

***

EDDIE: It was pretty much love, at first sight, the moment I saw her in the crowd that night at Whiskey a Go Go. I remember seeing her for the first time halfway through our set and it was like I went blind for a moment. I had completely forgotten what I was doing, I think I even missed a cue. After the show, I made a beeline for the bar where she was standing, trying to act as cool as I could but I was shitting it.

***

Once that band had wrapped up, you made your way to the dressing rooms. You maneuvered to the dressing rooms like you had dozens of times before, but the band wasn’t there.

You milled about for a bit, before growing bored and leaving wondering if maybe they had seen you coming and left.

***

EDDIE: I ordered a drink just as an excuse to get closer and it worked. She was even more beautiful up close and so, so kind. Told me she loved our show and even pointed out specific guitar solos of mine that she liked. She always had a way of making you feel special like that. Chrissy Fucking Cunningham. Even her name was perfect, not a syllable too few or too many.

I asked her for her number that night and we went on a date two days later, I could hardly keep it.

together having to wait two days to see her again. Then, after a few weeks, we were going steady, as the kids say. It was perfect. I never really had anyone to myself, you know? She was the first person that ever made me feel seen and cared about.

I remember one time; she was hanging out at my place while the band was in the studio. When I came back, she had done all my laundry. When I asked her why she had done that, she just said “I dunno, just because” then, all of a sudden there were tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had done something like that for me “just because".

My life had never been better--so of course, I fucked it up.

***

While you did not manage to meet Corroded Coffin, you couldn’t stop thinking about them, even days later. It was like seeing them play had awoken you from a daze you didn’t even know you had been in.

You spend a few days getting incredibly drunk by the pool after that. But no matter how much you drank or how many pretty dresses you bought yourself or how many pill you took, you could not shake the feeling.

A few mornings later, you had called Murray, “This stops now, Murray. No more duets or features or whatever else. I want to meet with Brenner. I want to do this my way.”

Murray, not used to being awake so early, gave a weak attempt at talking you down.

“No,” you urged on, “you said once I started making money, I could have a say. Well, now I’m making money and I’m tired of Starcourt just using me for that. So, I want something permanent and I want to write my own music, got it?”

“You have a contract,” Murray parroted back, half-heartedly.

“Yes, I do, and I plan to honor that contract but so help me God I will make life a living hell for you and for Brenner and any other exec that tries to get me to do another duet with Jason fucking Carver. In fact, I will find a way to lose Starcourt money if you don’t get me out of this. Am I clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Great, I’ll see you at lunch Murray.”

He signed, “See you then.”

***

EDDIE: My drug use was getting more out of hand. Chrissy hated it, but I couldn't bring myself to quit. Especially the things that I thought I needed to make it through the day.

Chrissy was a saint throughout the whole thing, until one night when she caught me in the dressing room of Whiskey with a girl who was not her. She walked away and I don’t really blame her. Out of all the regrets of my life—and trust me, kid—that was one of the biggest.

She moved out that day and refused to take my calls, moved in with one of her friends and I spent days just calling her, sending her flowers, the works.

She told me she wouldn’t budge unless I got clean. So, I checked myself into rehab. She was a good enough reason to quit. 45 days later, I checked out, clean as a motherfucking whistle.

Chrissy was gone though, I had no clue where she had disappeared to, but wherever she went, she didn’t want me to find her.

On top of that, my band was fucking pissed. I left the band for 45 days without telling anyone, right as we were finishing recording our debut album. Yeah, they weren’t happy. I was in something called “breach of contract” with the suits over at record label and they wanted to take me to court, and not the Star kind.

I definitely didn’t have lawsuit type of money back then, so it was in my best interest to work something out with Starcourt and jump back on fulfilling my contract. Problem was, Corroded Coffin didn’t want me back anymore, even though the guy they replaced me with wasn’t half as good as I was.

I thought that because my old band didn’t want me, that meant that I would be free of my contract. I was wrong. What actually happened was that my fate was then put into Starcourt’s hands and they could place me in whatever podunk production or band they wanted. They owned my ass.

And that’s how I ended up with The Downsides.

NEXT CHAPTER 🎺🎹

Taglist: @rexorangecouny

[novelcain]

I have a small head cannon now with my version of reader that I wanted to share with you:

She has a lotus pin in her hair due to her association with Quanyin and it has the added bonus of extra protection (like a protection seal)

Just wanted to share, now I’m going back into my hole to finally finish a fic that’s been giving me writers block for two months now.

*gets slapped with writers block in the face*

Gosh darn it….

(By the way any tips on how to overcome writers block?)

That's a pretty interesting idea. Like a lil fashionable talisman~

And good luck with your writing hope you can get through the writers block

As far as tips go, I unfortunately can't help much in the writer's/artist's block since I don't really get it.😬 If anything I just get bursts of laziness where I don't wanna pick up my laptop cause that's too much effort and so end up curled up in my nest scrolling through tiktok all day. But to remedy that, I just force myself to pick up my laptop or @lovesick-ritz will kindly hand it to me so I can get things done.

So here's the tips that I could think of:

Set a designated area or method for writing (ex. I only write on my laptop bc I've assigned it mentally as my preferred place to write)

Make it as easy as possible for you to write (ie. leave the writing tabs open. I personally never have word closed there's always at least my notes tab open but I usually have at least 3 word tabs don't ask me why I'm addicted to keeping tabs open)

Try to get rid of as many distractions as you can like unneeded social media (having a tumblr tab open is always my down fall cause I get distracted by asks)

Since I have adhd and autism complete silence honestly distracts me more than anything so I like to play this 10 hour thunder storm video on YouTube (this also helps with my tinnitus in case anyone else got that)

Another thing I've been told that help is just start writing little notes or just anything at all and maybe that'll spur you into what you want to be writing

Also some random tips if found useful when it comes to writing/drawing:

If you hyperfixate on writing and drawing for long periods of time like I do (like I'm talking about 8 hour sit down don't move sessions) get water and a couple snacks before you start and be sure to stretch at least once an hour

Remember to specifically do full hand stretches to avoid carpal tunnel and writer's/artist's arthritis

Try to get up and walk around as much as possible (if you can as someone with walking issues I know that isn't always easy or even possible)

One thing I like to do to rest my eyes and brain is after a few hours I'll go to Spotify and play a few songs (or in my case one song on repeat I've been particularly obsessed with the Epic sagas since they've come out and have been constant listening to Survive in the Cyclops saga) with your eyes closed. Staring at a screen all day can be harmful to your eyes and brain.

And for drawing with adhd, if you're working on a long piece it can get frustrating to work on one part for long periods of time so keep in mind that if you're start to feel bored or tired with the part that you're working on it's ok to move to a different part. (ie. you've been working on the hair for a while and start to feel understimulated to move to the face or even a completely different area so get that stimulation) It's not like a story where you gotta remember plot points and continuity the whole thing is right there so just work on whatever part catches your fancy. Or hell if you get bored just draw lil scribbles for a second in a corner somewhere until you feel up to going back to the piece.

Please keep in mind while reading these that I by no means have healthy habits. As I stated I hyperfixate on projects and will often neglect my human needs for extremely long periods on accident; however, I am lucky enough to have a very attentive partner that reminds me and encourages me to take care of myself and helps me when I can't. (Love you Ritz. Literally couldn't live without you~ mwah💜)

HOWEVER! Because of this I am extremely used to living with unhealthy habits and have an OBSENE amount of tips for dealing/living with them so if anyone wants some autism/adhd/depression/anxiety (all of which I have kinda extreme forms of) life tips lemme know and I'll write a whole essay for you. Tho again I will say these tips are not cures. These conditions are permanent so these tips would just be ways to make living with them a little easier. (Honestly I might just make that post even if no one asks for it on the off chance that helps even one person)

[despair-to-future-arcs]

Is everyone ready?

*after dinner, Makoto stands up*

Okay guys, now that we are done dinner; I do want to make some announcement.

Tomorrow morning at 7 AM; myself along with Kyoko and Byakuya are going with Poppy, Tomohiko, Takuma, Fusako and Mayu back to the main land to get key cards that we need to get their briefcases so we are going to leave quite early and return back around evening.

Meaning that Hiroko and Hotaru will be watching over you guys along with some other agents so keep that mind while we are away.

Understood, will be sure to behave ourselves then...

Good, now I think with that out of the way; I do believe that Nagito has something he wanted to say, correct?

Greeeat, probably gonna be another of those hope speeches, huh?

*gets up* No no, it's not going to be but I was thinking over everything that I learn over the last few days and I want to say...

Well this better be good given what you pull the other day, don't think we didn't forget that, Nagito.

Don't worry, I'm well aware of the trouble I cause and I just want to say; I'm terribly sorry for how I acted in the killing game and just... everything that occur there, I suppose that when I thought a killing game was going to happen, given how my luck is; I just... accepted it.

So you seriously want a killing game to happen, your sick in the head, y'know that?

I'm well aware but I just... tend to get paranoid easily; my luck tends to go from good to bad so when good luck happens, bad luck follows after and I think my condition doesn't help with that either.

Co-Condition...? Right I did remember during the killing game you got very sick, would this explain it?

Yes, if curious - I was diagnosed with stage 3 malignant lymphoma and frontotemporal lobe dementia before I was enroll into Hope's Peak as the Ultimate Lucky Student; the doctors told me that I didn't have long to live.

Malignant lymphoma and frontotemporal lobe dementia? What are those?

I can explain that one, “Lymphoma” is the general term for cancer in your lymphatic system — the network of tissues, vessels and organs that help your body fight infection. It’s considered a blood cancer because the condition starts in white blood cells lymphocytes in your lymphatic system.

There are treatments for it; ranging from chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy and stem cell transplant which Future Foundation can cure but the fact it was stage 3 and he lasted this long is just pure luck on his part.

As for frontotemporal lobe dementia or FTD for short, is an umbrella term for a group of brain diseases that mainly affect the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. These areas of the brain are associated with personality, behavior and language which Nagito seems to be the behavioral type.

It has a wide arrange of symptoms ranging from Increasingly inappropriate social behavior, Loss of empathy and other interpersonal skills. For example, not being sensitive to another person's feelings, Lack of judgment, Loss of inhibition and Lack of interest, also known as apathy. Apathy can be mistaken for depression.

While there isn't a cure for that, we do have medications to help with it so if you all wonder why Nagito behave oddly; that's why and I think the killing game aggerated it.

So wait, Nagito was acting out because he was sick...?

That's...well, that certainly explains a lot...

Indeed and as say, it's an explanation but not an excuse; I did still start the killing game all for the sake of hope... a hope that wasn't even real, I learn that Hope's Peak really lie to everything and those bribes, it's... no wonder the Reserve Course existed.

I'm just... really conflicted about everything, I'm still not sure how to feel about it, y'know? I always admire Hope's Peak and the beacons of hope, so I'm left unsure at this point.

But I just need to confirm here; is there more briefcases like the 2 that were discover, I need to know?

*everyone went quiet as then Hajime stood up*

Indeed; the only remaining ones left that we are getting is 4 of them currently but there are more out there, meaning that we need to shut down a lot of areas. That's why your kept alive Nagito; we need to find these briefcases and give them to Future Foundation to investigate Hope's Peak but also work on your future which given what you say, I feel you have a chance too.

Huh? You...You think so too, Hajime? But I say a lot of awful things to you...You really think so?

I know, but after hearing all that and knowing what we did; I think I do at least understand what your dealing with and it's not like we are any better, honestly I felt the same too as I did admire Hope's Peak as well and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

But even if you don't think you can change; you can and will and to start, I do think you should work on yourself and maybe cure all that, so how about it Nagito? Even if you don't agree, we can still be friends so how about it?

Hajime...

[multiplicity-positivity]

TW self harm discussion

.

Hey, I'm the host of a newly discovered system. I started a journal for communication between headmates and asked what I could do better for them as their host and pretty much everyone told me to stop self harming, the caretaker said that our little thinks I'm a witch for self-harming, and I don't know, it just, really hurt to read?

But I'm not sure how to stop self-harming, I think it's nearing an addiction for me. It hurts emotionally and physically whenever I self harm now because I know that I'm hurting the system and causing discourse within us, but I don't know how to stop.

Hi! This is really tough - we’re so sorry y’all are going through something like this! Self harm can be quite serious, but hurting yourself does not make you a witch, evil, or a bad person! It does, however, make you a person who is suffering and in need of help. We have some advice that may help y’all that we can share!

(Note: most of our advice actually comes from a workbook our system is currently completing. It’s the DBT Skills workbook, and you can get it on Amazon for like $20USD! Link to Amazon)

First, please trust that your system does want what’s best for you when they encourage you to stop self-harming. Refraining from hurting yourself will benefit the whole system, which includes you! It may be difficult to try and change these habits, but we promise it’s possible. It will take some diligence and effort on your part, but we believe in you!

When you have an urge to self harm, here are some things you can do instead:

1) Draw on yourself. Use a red or black pen/marker that will leave heavy marks. Draw on the places you would normally hurt yourself. Leave the marks there for the rest of the day.

2) Journal. Write out how you feel, why you want to hurt yourself, what you would do, and what you are choosing to do instead that is less harmful. Remind yourself why you want to change, and how you plan on achieving that change.

3) If you are feeling overwhelmed, try RESTing. REST means Relax, Evaluate, Set an intention, and Take action. To keep this post from getting too long, we’ve made a companion post explaining REST, which you can check out here.

4) Find a less destructive way to hurt yourself. Perhaps give yourself a quick pinch, flick your arm, hold a piece of ice, or snap a rubber band against your skin. Ultimately, it will be good to move away even from these! But when just starting out trying to mitigate self harm, finding ways that can bring that pain response without as much damage is a good thing!

5) Talk to someone. You don’t have to suffer alone! We’d always recommend therapy, but we understand not everyone has affordable access to a good therapist. Still, you can vent your frustrations to a trusted friend or loved one, and seek reassurance from those who care about you. Ask someone close to you if it would be okay for you to reach out to them when you want to self harm to try and talk to them instead. If they agree, make good on this. When you want to self harm, get in touch with your loved one first before deciding to hurt yourself.

We hope these things can help set you on a path towards recovery! Remember that progress is usually not linear - it’s okay to mess up, to backslide, regress, or make mistakes! What matters most is that you’re continuing to try and change, even when it’s hard, even after you’ve made the wrong choice. It is never too late to start practicing self care and showing yourself (and your system) compassion!

Good luck with everything! We’re wishing you hope, healing, and the very best. Thanks for reaching out!

🌸 Margo and 🖋 Cecil

[saltysaccharin]

Med Student

— [PRE-ELYSIUM] {CANON}

• characters :: hawks / takami keigo, ryouga atsumu + hero public safety commission (briefly), others (briefly)

• content :: narrative, backstory arc™, childhood friends to lovers, fluff and angst so hurt/comfort-esque, bittersweet ending

• warnings :: none but remember the hpsc is horrible

prompt / synopsis :: a quick look at doc apollo before he became doc apollo. at least, from a bird's eye view (metaphorically).

word count :: 4.9k

a/n :: i've been wanting to showcase not-adult atsumu for a while, but i can't put his whole heart and soul out for the world to see just yet because he's supposed to be confusing and unreadable and ✨mysterious✨

so i got the next best thing, via hawks' pov <3

"Hawks,"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"That's enough training for today," The handler cleared her throat, uncrossing her legs before standing up. As she dusted off her pencil skirt, scarlet feathers belonging to thirteen-year-old Hawks paused in midair. He looked up at her curiously, which she acknowledged by raising a hand. "We have another task for you."

The dirty blond wiped sweat from his temple as his feathers gathered around him, then repositioned themselves properly onto his wings. He straightened his posture and patiently awaited the details of this new 'task,' although internally, his mind was racing in anticipation — was it his first official mission, perhaps? He realized that he was probably too young for that. Then again, he was barely a fledgling out of the nest when the Hero Public Safety Commission scouted him out, so  it wasn't impossible—

He was competent, right? Did they finally trust him enough to handle the real world again? Hawks' chest thrummed in excitement and hope, following his handler out of the training room and into the HPSC's dull hallways.

She hummed, likely noticing his silent enthusiasm but choosing not to comment on it further. Instead, she started, "Sometime last month, the Commission found a preteen..." Hawks furrowed his eyebrows, evidently perplexed while she explained, "He's been gifted a powerful Quirk — like you — but unfortunately, it caused the downfall of his ordinary life. We have since decided to take him in and train him.

"However, he has proven to be a very.. difficult child. It seems that even with time, he refuses to cooperate with us. He either refuses to speak a word or simply has an outburst." The handler sighed, bringing a hand up to the bridge of her nose. Clearing her throat, she turned to look down at Hawks, "So, we were thinking that it might be good for him to interact with someone closer to his age. Maybe you could talk some sense into him, given that you're skilled in almost anything else."

The sound of sugar-laced words were familiar to Hawks' ears by now.

"So, are you up for the task, Hawks?" She asked directly.

...But they had yet to lose their effect, by this point.

The young Hero-in-training nodded, a determined flame in his eyes. "I am. I'll convince him, for sure. I'm willing to deal with him, no matter what he might throw my way!" He declared, balling his hands into fists.

His handler only laughed with mirth, "So dramatic. Well, you're in luck; we're here," The woman abruptly stopped on their stroll, turning to face a door. Hawks scrutinized the lack of a nameplate. "Let us know how it goes, and don't be afraid to back out if it's too much to handle."

'It won't be too much to handle,' Hawks wanted to retort, but ultimately kept the attitude to himself in favor of a quiet nod. He reached for the handle and turned, slipping into the room and closing the door behind him in one swift move.

"I told you people to LEAVE ME ALONE!!"

Almost instantly, a small tray was sent flying his way. It would have hit him right in the face had he not used his wing to block the attack, the tray falling to the floor with a clatter. Hawks scoffed to himself before lowering his makeshift shield, finally getting a good look at his assailant.

"O-Oh. You're not..." Stammered a boy with one too many white strands tangled in his brown hair for his age. He retracted the arm used to attack rather bashfully, grabbing ahold of his gloved left wrist. He couldn't seem to look at Hawks for very long, bright orange eyes darting around the room anxiously; his lip quivered, the beginning syllables of an apology forming, before he settled for a "...Whatever."

The kid slid down the wall with a frown, bringing his knees up to his chest as he sat on the floor. There was a relatively decent bed right beside him, apparently rejected.

Hawks was at a loss. It had been far too long since he'd genuinely socialized with someone his age, not to mention how.. disturbed this particular person was. He understood very early on that maybe he bit off more than he could chew with this one — but that didn't mean he was willing to give up. The higher-ups were counting on him, relying on him; how could he even think about letting them down when he was finally given a chance to show how good of an asset he was?

Taking a deep breath, Hawks took a tentative step forward, which did not get a reaction from the other. He interpreted this as a good sign, choosing to come even closer, and closer, until he was eventually seated beside the boy on the floor.

When he was met with still no response, Hawks awkwardly took a look around the room before speaking. "So," That was not a good start, he winced internally, but pressed onward, "What's your name?"

"Atsumu."

The immediate reply almost caused Hawks' heart to beat right out of his ribcage. He wasn't expecting a reply at all, much less a quick and cooperative one. Steadying himself, the former cleared his throat and straightened his posture. "Well—" An unwanted voice crack made him want to die right then— "It's nice to meet you, Atsumu. My name is Hawks."

"That's a stupid name," Atsumu deadpanned with zero hesitation.

"It— It is not!" Hawks flushed, his wings puffing up defensively.

"Is too," The brunet huffed, looking up from the hiding place that was the space between his arms, "But seriously, what is your name? Don't tell me 'Hawks' is, because I'm not going to believe you."

Hawks glared, his own frown forming on his face. He glanced away and mumbled, "Smartass." Into his palm, only for an exaggerated gasp to come from behind.

"Hey! You're not allowed to say that!"

"Says who? Maybe you're not, but I'm older than you, you know!"

"Do you even know how old I am?"

"...Eleven..?"

"I'M TWELVE—!"

The two boys fell into a rather uncomfortable silence after that. Not so uncomfortable that it'd warrant one wanting the other to leave, but it definitely wasn't as warm and friendly as a normal interaction between children should've been.

Hawks grumbled internally, wrapping his wings around himself in an attempt to calm his nerves. He didn't dislike Atsumu so far, really, it was just.. difficult, like the handler had recounted. Hawks briefly considered that maybe he contributed to the problem. Considering the fact that he didn't have many friends growing up — or at all, for that matter. His way of living before the HPSC took him in was less than ideal...

As he looked back on that time, he sighed aloud. What harm would telling someone his real name be? The people who 'accepted' him with open arms told him to throw it away, but he never truly understood how something so personal could be tossed aside as carelessly as they wanted him to.

He still had it. He didn't use it, but he still had it.

Just when Hawks made up his mind, opening his mouth to speak, he heard a whimper coming from his left.

Hawks quickly moved his wings out of the way to get a better view at the situation. Atsumu's face was buried in his arms again, a gloved hand digging into his hair and gripping the locks deathly tight. His body shook as he inhaled and shakily exhaled between sobs.

Utterly shocked, Hawks stuttered, "Are.. Are you crying?.." His question only seemed to make it worse, however, as a choked sob came from Atsumu's withdrawn form. A panicked apology left Hawks' lips before he could fully register what was happening. "Hey, hey— I'm sorry, okay, I.. I didn't mean to—"

"It's not your fault!" Atsumu yelled, startling the former although the noise was muffled by the position, "It's mine. It's all mine! Everything that happened, I— I couldn't control it, and now—" Hawks worriedly glanced toward Atsumu's hold on his own hair, deciding it might be a good idea to intervene before Atsumu hurt himself.

"Hey, it's going to be okay— I'm sure you didn't mean anything—" Hawks tried, despite truthfully having no clue what Atsumu was rambling about. He reached out to grab Atsumu's hand, carefully prying it away from his poor hair.

The action slightly moved the glove's hem, exposing some of Atsumu's skin which seemed to cause him to violently jerk away in a frenzy. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He pulled away, nothing but terror in his eyes, "I'm— I'm a sickness, I don't do anything but make trouble for other people even though I— even though all I wanted to do was..." He cried, sniffling.

Oh god. How was Hawks supposed to deal with..?

"I'm sorry—" Atsumu unexpectedly managed between the bawling, "I shouldn't have... Sorry, you didn't do anything..." He forcefully gulped down the lump in his throat, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. "I'm a mess. It shouldn't be your problem, just 'cause you're a kid too. I'm sor—"

Hawks couldn't stop himself from cutting Atsumu off. Before either of them knew it, Hawks had wrapped his arms around Atsumu, somehow simultaneously tight and gentle.

"Stop apologizing."

Atsumu sucked in a sharp breath before the waterworks started up again, unsteady hands gripping the back of Hawks' shirt as the shorter boy wept. The former kept mumbling apologies in spite of Hawks' wishes, but he let him get it out of his system. The handler said nothing about the rookie being so.. sad.

Hawks wondered, had Atsumu just been holding this all in for a month? Because he didn't trust any of the grown-ups to deal with his problems? Regardless...

Atsumu definitely needed that hug.

Hawks didn't know it at the time; but he did, too.

🪶

About a year after their mess of an introduction, the people running the HPSC had deemed it a good idea to allow those particular two to spend time together. Atsumu didn't really understand it (and made the fact very clear with his restless theorizing), but Hawks' feathers had managed to pick up some staticky noise about how they 'developed more efficiently when they were together.'

Or something like that.

He just guessed that it meant he and Atsumu were just easier to deal with as long as they weren't separated. Maybe they were similar to how two negative numbers multiplied made the product positive.

While not appreciating how that analogy meant he was a negative number, Hawks admitted that it was partially true. So well played, Commission heads, well played.

Still, it wasn't like every waking moment was some strange playdate orchestrated by the handlers — Atsumu spent a big chunk of his time in a different building, training both his Quirk and studying medicine; and Hawks had his own training to worry about, albeit he was much more advanced than the other considering how long it'd been since he was 'recruited.'

...Admittedly, even if the Commission hadn't constantly put them in the same room, the two would have probably found a way to use up their free time with each other.

Fifteen-year-old Hawks knitted his eyebrows together in concern as he watched Atsumu. The latter flexed his fingers and curiously observed the slow spread of.. whatever it was — it went from the tips of his fingers to his wrists now; it had stopped at the base of his digits when they first met.

"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" Hawks inquired, understandably wary of this new development, "No stinging or itching or any of that?"

Atsumu took one look at him and chuckled for some reason. Squinting, Hawks scrunched up his face in confusion, his silent way of asking 'What's so funny?' The brunet shook his head in amusement, his voice still carrying a bit of laughter, "You're not very good at putting your feelings on your face."

What was that supposed to mean?

Atsumu shrugged, noticing the other's growing bewilderment. "I mean, you're not that expressive." He pursed his lips, "Like, at all." Of course he had to add that last part just to drive his point home.

Evidently, Atsumu had the exact opposite problem that Hawks (allegedly) did.

"I don't believe you," Hawks argued, internally reflecting on all the times he'd actively felt the muscles in his face move just to express a certain feeling. It was absurd to think that all that had been for naught, right?

"But you should," The brunet stuck his tongue out defiantly, having no regard for his technically-upperclassman, "It's not like any of the handlers'll tell you. They don't care about that type of stuff as long as you do a good job and be a Hero and blah blah—"

"Yeah, so then why does it matter to you, Atsu?" Hawks huffed, raising an eyebrow. He chose not to comment on Atsumu's disrespectful remark towards the Heroes, but it was fine; he knew and understood that his friend never really felt the desire to become one.

Atsumu only hummed in response, apparently taking some time to truly contemplate the reason. After some time, he finally came to the following conclusion: "Well, Heroes are supposed to be liked by the public, right? I think you have to be, like, human for that to happen."

"But I am human."

"You don't act like it!" Came the younger teen's retort, "I can tell how you feel since I know you, but if you told a stranger that you were worried about them being hurt while having the straightest of faces," Atsumu's shoulders slumped dramatically, "I don't know if they'd believe you—

"Which is bad! Because you're a good person and stuff. You just don't show it a lot past the actual.. y'know, Hero thing," The orange-eyed boy gestured wildly with his hands as he spoke, doing his best to get his point across. "You just look so serious all the time."

Pouting slightly, Hawks blew a stray hair away from his face, "Well, that's probably because I have to be — I'm always training, and..."

"Not always," Atsumu interjected, holding up a finger, "Not when you're with me."

Hawks lowered his head in thought, a few loose feathers idly floating around him. He supposed that was true; it was easier to unwind around someone his age, especially someone who shared the same.. abnormal childhood training experience he had.

"How do you manage to do it, then?" Hawks asked directly, "You have so much to juggle all the time, more than I do. But you're so..."

"So what?"

"...Cheerful? I guess?"

"Ha. That's funny. Anyway, to answer your question... I have zero advice. Sorry."

Hawks shook his head. "Then we'll have to work on that some other time," Gently taking hold of one of the other's hands without much resistance, Hawks brought it closer for inspection, "What's all this though? You avoided the question earlier." The blond huffed stubbornly.

Atsumu only shrugged with his free shoulder, making an uncommitted noise, "I honestly don't know either. My handler thinks it's a drawback, but I haven't felt anything."

"Hm. That's odd."

"Obviously, Kei."

🪶

"...Huh? Atsumu— Atsu, are you alrig—"

"Hawks, get your partner under control."

The sixteen-year-old trainee shot the handler a subtle yet absolutely outraged look as he took his friend's shaking form away from them. Hawks shushed Atsumu and rubbed circles on his back, saying nothing about how tightly the latter had clutched onto the back of his shirt.

Hawks turned back to the adult and questioned, "What did you do to him?" He barely held back a glower, "What happened? It's been five days."

Atsumu's handler sighed, looking down both literally and figuratively at Hawks. "What, can't stand being apart from the only colleague you'll know before graduating?" He pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered to himself, "Tsk, we knew there were risks of codependency, with your.. animalistic Quirk, but no one thought it'd affect your ability to know your place. Ah... Is this going to be a problem for us, Hawks?" His question only had one answer.

Hawks knew that.

He stole one more glance at Atsumu on the verge of hyperventilating into his shoulder, then lowered his head in the face of authority.

"No, sir."

"Good. Now, get him stabilized, however you manage to do that. You two should be ready for dinner when I come back."

After waiting with bated breath for the door to finally click shut, Hawks pulled away from Atsumu and placed his hands onto the other's shoulders. He worriedly moved to cup Atsumu's face in order to get a better look at him, and vice versa.

"Atsu," Hawks tried, "What happened?"

"...Kei..." The brunet sniffled in response, tears beginning to form at the corners of his eyes before rolling down his birthmarks, "...So, so many things... They... They made me—"

Hawks shushed, engulfing Atsumu in another hug before he had the chance to burst into sobs. Atsumu had always been a crybaby since they met. His lows were truly low. He wasn't as young as Hawks was when the HPSC decided to.. mold him into another 'perfect' soldier, and so the difficulty he had adjusting to the whole living situation — it was hard. He knew that.

Judging from how Atsumu's body practically convulsed, clearly sore in some way, Hawks guessed whatever they made him do involved something that hurt.

...Whether Atsumu was the one who got hurt or if he hurt someone else was unclear.

"I hate my Quirk," Atsumu suddenly spoke up, although his voice was muffled by Hawks' shoulder, "I wish I was just Quirkless. This stupid thing hasn't done anything except hurt me and other people..." His grievances devolved into a silent cry as Hawks held him, the older boy unsure how to comfort his friend properly yet figured that doing his best would suffice for the moment.

Several "I'm sorry"s were sprinkled across the lull, Atsumu's habit of apologizing for seemingly nothing and to seemingly no one arising again. It always confused Hawks, but he never wanted to pry...

"Don't say that," Hawks eventually disagreed with Atsumu's first notion, "Your Quirk is incredible. It's capable of saving lives, and reaches places that most healer Quirks can't," He sighed, patting the other's back, "So many people will owe you their lives in the future. Isn't that what you've always wanted? To save people?"

Atsumu did not nod, but he didn't deny it either. Instead, he choked out, "But it hurts."

"...I know."

Hawks didn't know what else to say after that. He could tell Atsumu didn't, either, given the complete silence that overtook them, save for a few sobs from the latter.

Right when he thought Atsumu had dozed off, the boy took a deep breath and sighed shakily. "...I wanna help people," He mumbled, "No matter what anyone else says. I wanna give everyone a chance, 'cause it's not fair that I...

"That I did everything I did, but.. I get to call myself a 'Hero' in like three years," He sniffed, then finally pulled back from clinging to the only friend he had in there. "So I'll do that — help people. Even with the endless classes, the.. training. I can do it. It's fine, I'm—"

"It's okay," Hawks sighed, putting a hand on Atsumu's shoulder. "There's nothing that says doctors have to be 'fine' especially with all the crap they have to deal with on a daily basis."

Atsumu sniffed again, this time bringing up an arm to wipe his eyes. "Whatever, smart guy,"

If it weren't for the situation, Hawks would have laughed at the ridiculous familiarity that Atsumu's antics gave; trying to play everything off as if it were nothing without giving either of them any sort of break to process their feelings.

He'd grow out of it someday, though, so Hawks wasn't too worried about that.

"So how are you feeling?" Atsumu asked, looking at Hawks with his full attention, "I don't ask that as much as I should, even though you're going through.. basically the same stuff as me."

Hawks only shrugged. An unsatisfactory answer, he realized, as Atsumu frowned and hit him with a stray pillow on the floor.

"I'm pretty okay, really," He managed, tone uncertain still. Scratching the back of his neck, he drawled out, "Well. Less okay and more.. used to it all, y'know?"

"...That's fucking sad."

"Shut up."

🪶

"Oh, Hawks-senpaiiiii," A sing-songy voice called out, coated in nothing but malice. At least, in the target's perspective.

"Here we go." The eighteen-year-old Hero in question rolled his eyes playfully as he swiftly stepped to the side, successfully dodging an attack from behind courtesy of his significant other.

Atsumu yelped as he missed, well on his way toward the ground had Hawks not grabbed his hand in time. It was absolutely unnecessary to, but Hawks couldn't stop himself from smoothly twirling Atsumu around before pulling him close — all with a smirk plastered across his face.

Atsumu made a very unconvincing angry face.

"You're so cute," Hawks grinned, taking note of how Atsumu's expression was contradicting his comfortable body language. He loved him, but Atsumu was not a good liar.

Not to him, anyway.

"Stop being condescending!" Atsumu cried out dramatically, lightly punching — tapping, more like — Hawks on the chest.

"You're the one who was calling me by my Hero name instead of your beloved Keigo," He argued, cheekily leaning his face closer to Atsumu's. The latter flushed and immediately looked away, grumbling a series of profanities. Hawks could only chuckle fondly.

The brunet turned up his nose, "It's your fault for being older than me. I still have, what, eight more months of training to go through before I can finally see the outside world once more." He hummed.

Hawks raised an eyebrow, "You're being dramatic. I literally just took you out on a date a few months ago."

"It's not the sameee, Keiii," Atsumu whined, "I should be allowed outside already, even as a doctor! I already have forty-two doctorates!" He crossed his arms, then a heavy sigh came after, "That amount isn't remotely possible for normal people. This is so unfair. I have to study all this and try to keep up with my Hero training, which is just glorified torture at this point, and still—"

Unfortunately for Atsumu and his little tangent, Hawks had developed a habit of kissing him in the middle of various rants. In turn, Atsumu seemingly settled into his own routine of releasing a muffled squeal followed by (eventually) kissing back.

Hawks pulled away with a calm expression, but his eyes practically gleamed with adoration. "You done?"

Atsumu glared, pushing the other's face away with a scoff. "I hate it when you do that..." The almost aggressive reddening of his face betrayed his statement.

"Oh, is that so?"

"Why are you saying that like you don't believe me?"

The former only shrugged, his wings fluttering slightly, "No reason. Hey, I have some paperwork to do for my agency, do you wanna just," He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, pulling a complete one-eighty from his earlier confident persona.

What could he say? For all his teasing, it was rather.. daunting, for a heart as closed-off as his to suddenly waltz into unfamiliar territory. Though, he supposed his heart wasn't as reserved anymore.

Hawks glanced away, the tips of his ears gradually starting to match the color of his wings, "I don't know, really. Just.. do nothing. Together?" His question floated in the air for a bit.

Atsumu thought about it for a bit, his eyes narrowing as he replied, "So you just want me in the same room for no reason?" A shit-eating grin plastered itself onto his pretty face while he did a horrible job at concealing his snicker. "What, do you enjoy my company or something?"

"No shit," Hawks grumbled, putting his hands on his hips. The blush on his face was obscured by the new visor, but his uncharacteristic, shy behavior seemed to tell Atsumu more than Hawks would have liked. "It's a yes-no question, Atsu."

A drawn-out hum from the med student only furthered Hawks' defensive attitude, but the joyful laugh that followed relieved most of the tension in his shoulders.

The brunet hooked his arm around Hawks', giving him a contented smile. "Well, if my beloved Kei doesn't mind me reading up on the different ways to perform mutant Quirk-related surgery..."

"Not at all."

"Then I think we're good to go!" Atsumu declared, "Need a pen? I can lend you one of mine—"

🪶

Nineteen-year-old Hawks chuckled quietly to himself as he watched his newly-established partner mingling with the public from a distance.

"The name is Doc Apollo and I'm looking forward to working with you all!" Atsumu cheerfully introduced himself to the crowd of civilians that had gathered to watch the now-resolved incident. He practically glowed in the daylight, soaking up the praise he got.

Hawks shook his head and sighed affectionately, his focus being pulled back to the police officer he had been discussing the details of the situation with. He reported things clearly and worded his thoughts in a way that would ensure this would be a quick and clean interaction, but he remained ever so patient on the outside. The ruckus from the group fawning over Atsumu rang in his ears, and the proud comments from the former did the same.

After wrapping up his conversation with the authorities, Hawks politely bid farewell and left them to deal with the technicalities of the affair. He swiftly made his way to Atsumu's side with but a single flap of his strong wings, the noise from their audience growing louder.

"Oh, it's Hawks! Look this way, look this way!"

"Hey hey, isn't it such an amazing opportunity to see him in real life?!"

"Thank you for your service, Heroes!"

With a year of official Hero business experience under his belt, it wasn't fresh information that Hawks was very well-received by the public. He was an efficient worker, as well as admired for reasons involving something he'd worked on: Charisma, one could say. The way he carried himself made him shine in the eyes of supporters, causing a spike in his popularity despite how 'new' he was as a Hero.

His hard work paid off; in addition to his good Hero work, no longer was he inexpressive or aloof, like someone had said all those years ago. Yet, it was only a mask — an act he put on for the fans.

At first glance, that didn't seem to be the case for Atsumu.

But Hawks knew better.

He had no doubt in his mind that the outgoing, confident Doctor Apollo would gain positive attention once he debuted. Now that the day finally came, it was almost surreal how intentional Atsumu's innocent, 'youthful Hero' demeanor was.

Yes, he was truly happy to be here — Hawks could tell that much — but the cynical boy he'd grown up with never really changed.

"You two work so well together! And Doc Apollo says he just started?" A journalist pushed their way into the front of the crowd, an audio recording device in hand, "What's up with that?"

"Ah, well," Hawks began, silently taking note of how Atsumu quickly adapted to the speaker and lowering his voice, "Apollo is actually my new partner! We'll be working together a lot from now on, isn't that right?" He hummed, looking toward the aforementioned Hero.

"That is correct, yes," Atsumu confirmed with a nod and a smile too big to be insincere, "It's a great honor! Hawks is such an awesome Hero, after all, don't you guys think?"

Hawks narrowed his eyes at Atsumu in playful accusation as the group of civilians enthusiastically agreed, only getting a cheeky smirk from his boyfriend in return.

How sly of him.

Later, once the ordeal was over and done with, the two Heroes continued their work throughout the day. A tiring, rewarding job, was how Hawks would put it. Atsumu didn't add anything onto the matter.

Eventually, their shift ended, and they stopped by Atsumu's apartment to rest a bit before heading to HQ.

"So, how was it?" Hawks eagerly awaited a response as he carefully took off his visor, examining it for damage before putting it away. "Your debut — it went well, didn't it?"

Atsumu huffed, moving his bangs out of his face, "You could say that," He trailed off, pausing until his next point. He fell down onto the couch, groaning, "But I really don't like dealing with all those people... They're so pushy and excited and loud, and I can't deal with noisy guys very well—"

A hand on his shoulder was all Hawks managed, along with a sympathetic look. "I know. It's okay. Though, you'll have to get used to it; they love you." Atsumu sighed and put his own hand over Hawks' nodding slightly.

The former didn't comment on that claim, however. He grew silent, appearing as if he'd withdrawn back into his thoughts. After a moment or two, Atsumu spoke softly, "Thank you for being there. It made things.. a lot easier for me."

"You did well," Hawks leaned down to press a kiss on Atsumu's temple, getting a defiant murmur in response. He chuckled.

They weren't going to talk about any of the other issues that went on inside either of their heads that day. And that was fine.

This was enough. For now.

[despairforme]

It was going on day - well, night three of crappy, rainy weather accompanied by a drastic drop into freezing temperatures. Earlier it had been warm enough that her work shirt and jeans were causing Roxy to sweat, but now, she was shivering, soaked to the bone from both the sweat and rain as she tredged forward through the elements. At least if it's gonna be this cold, snow, don't rain. She cast a bitter glare at the clouds above, as if the weather could hear her thoughts or cared even if it could.

A helpless, plain white business envelope shoved into an otherwise empty plastic bag crinkled against the interior of Roxanne's shirt as she gripped it tightly to her chest. A very late, last addition to Nnoitra's birthday present, or an early Christmas present, whichever worked better. On the exterior of the envelope bore a large N accompanied by the black haired, eye patch wearing stick figure, signed with a calligraphied R. She figured she'd used up all her luck for the next month - no, the next year - just getting the envelope's contents, she wasn't taking her chances of having anyone notice it and being mugged on her way to give it to him. She crept down dark alleyways, past piles of broken glass and carelessly discarded cans as she gingerly made her way across town. Thankfully it was a short walk, and being past midnight, no one in their right mind would be out in this weather at this time willingly. Nobody in their right mind, she repeated to herself with a hint of amusement.

"O-Okay bub," She chattered, voice barely above a whisper as she approached the now somewhat familiar door. "I worked my ass off for these, and I'm gonna lose what's left of my tits to this cold, so you better fuckin' like this."

Hunching over the bag gripped tightly to her sternum, she carefully unzipped through layers of coats and jackets before finally reaching the original shirt she'd been wearing and removing the itchy plastic bag from against her skin. With almost too firm of a grasp, she took hold of the envelope, inspecting it carefully to be sure it was still well sealed shut and dry, then gingerly wedged it into the doorframe as high up as she could reach. That was about eye height for him, right?

"F-fuck me, I hate winter." She muttered to herself as she hurriedly zipped back up her numerous jackets. "S-see ya around, I hope," She spoke up towards the direction of the door, as if it would respond to her. "It would be n-nice to catch up here soon. It's been way too long, I know, but I hope that you're-..."

Roxanne's train of thought suddenly came to a dead halt. The Nnoitra she remembered would usually scoff at her well wishings, no matter how genuine or not. Wishes were for kids, she nagged herself, and they sure as hell weren't kids anymore. Tucking her head to her chest as she shivered harshly, Roxanne instead buried her reddened nose in the front collars of her jackets as she felt the cold biting at her face.

"...Come see me at work." She continued with a sniffle and pulled her arms in from her sleeves, pinning them against her torso for warmth. "You can have all the cheap cheeseburgers you can eat and management can cry about it. I don't care enough about that job to fight them on it."

Roxanne turned away from the door, then paused for a moment to glance over her shoulder at the helpless envelope. It would be fine, right? Who the hell would notice it? It was damn near 3 in the morning, nobody was out... But what if someone did steal it? Or it blew away or got ruined by the rain? Then what? No good deed ever went unpunished in some way with her, but she couldn't stay here and watch it. Hypothermia doesn't seem like a fun way to die, she reminded herself. Looking around the empty stoop, then at the abandoned, flooded streets, she hesitated, glanced back at the envelope, then seemed to finally make up her mind as she exhaled a puff of steam and turned and jumped off the stoop, headed for home at last.

People could really suck, she told herself to get her attention off of her freezing extremities, but nobody ever has gotten anywhere by letting themselves sit around and pout about the unfairness of it all.

...

It was a small miracle the envelope made it overnight without getting so much as a droplet of water on it. Once opened, it contained two things: A piece of scrap paper with some scribblings on it, and tickets of some sort. The scrap of paper had one string of info on it; "McB's, M-F, 2-10 PM", and a drawing of the same fast food logo that had been on the previous bag she'd left him. That had to be where she worked, it seemed.

The tickets seemed to be to some sort of five day weekend music festival just a few towns over, a rock and metal based one it seemed based on the name. The "VIP" punched at the bottom was sure to imply something, but it couldn't be ascertained just what exactly from the vague abbreviations on the back of the ticket stubs. No doubt these had to have been expensive, and there were four of them.

...

Elsewhere, the cold mist of the morning was overtaken by the first few rays of sunlight as Roxanne lie practically comatose to the world, buried deep in a nest of blankets and pillows like a bear in hibernation. A deer stood just outside of her small yellow tent, helping itself to Roxanne's unattended box of wheaties as she blissfully snoozed the day away.

(@gildedgriffon)/(@serpent-of-feathers)

His hands were pink, borderline red from the cold. He'd lost feeling in them a couple of minutes ago. He would've kept them stuffed in his pockets, but he got paranoid as hell when he walked around without his hands at the ready. Especially at night. Especially through the shady part of town. Nnoitra had decided on a short-cut ( or rather, the rain had decided that for him ), which took him through some alleys that you'd best be prepared for a confrontation if you ventured into. There was ONE good thing about the weather ( and the fact that it was past 3 at night ) - there was nobody out. The only people Nnoitra passed were some tragic looking homeless people. Not that they should be underestimated. Who ever said a homeless dude couldn't try to shaft you? He shivered.

This was late for him to be going back home ( Ikkaku's place, was that really ' home '? ), even for him. His fight was always the main event of the evening, and saved for last. Normally it would be around midnight, maybe a little later. It would always be over quickly, simply because nobody stood a chance. Tonight's fight had gone smoothly. It wasn't HIS fault that he was walking home so late. Nah. There had been staffing issues at the bar. The new guy hadn't turned up, or - he HAD turned up, but he'd turned up in hospital, like some fucking jackass. Nnoitra didn't give a shit about that. There was nobody else who could step in, and so HE had been asked to man the bar. It was the last thing in the world he wanted, but at the same time... Grimmjow had worked there. Walked the steps behind the counter. Touched the glasses and bottles. Somehow, that had made Nnoitra unable to say no. He missed him. Missed him so much he thought it would fucking kill him any day. Pathetic, wasn't it?

In any case, he'd reluctantly accepted filling in for the night. He knew jack-shit about bar tending. That hadn't been a problem. The bar had been FILLED with people who were there just to talk to him. His ' fans ' or whatever. People who came every night only to watch him fight. Nnoitra liked that people admired him. However, after two hours of intense attention... He could say that he'd had MORE than enough. At least nobody cared that he was unable to mix up drinks. He wouldn't say it had been a BAD experience, but certainly exhausting. And he'd been unable to think about anything other than Grimmjow the whole time. To complete the night - he now had to walk home in the coldest rain in history. He felt pretty gloomy.

He might not be lucky with the weather, but at least he didn't get fucking JUMPED on his way home. He got back safely ( though drenched to the bone and freezing ). With numb fingers, he fished his ( Ikkaku's ) keys out of his pocket, struggling to unlock the door. Then he spotted something ON the door. It looked like someone had tried to push some paper in through the gap between the door and the doorframe. It looked like an envelope. For fuck's sake, didn't the mail-man know there was a fucking MAIL BOX right over there? Annoyed, Nnoitra yanked the envelope free. He assumed it was for Ikkaku - it wasn't. When he realized this, his annoyance immediately switched to curiosity. He RARELY got mail.

Back in his room, Nnoitra shook his head like a wet dog, his long hair splashing a little bit of water everywhere ( including his bed - he did not think that through ). His fingers were stiff from the cold, but he was too impatient to wait. He flopped down onto the bed, the mattress bouncing gently from the added weight. Nnoitra opened the letter.

It was probably because of his birthday present, that he quickly realized who this letter was from. The stick figure, the writing - this was from Roxanne. Nnoitra looked at the letters written on the scrap piece of paper. His tired brain TRIED to comprehend. WHY did she have to write in coded messages? The cogs in his head were struggling to turn. In the end, he really was too tired to even understand what the letters meant. He'd give it another try tomorrow ( or ask Ikkaku, who, unlike himself, was not fucking retarded ). He moved onto the other content in the envelope. Tickets. SEVERAL tickets. They were for a music festival in a neighboring city that Nnoitra had never been to. It was hard to miss the VIP-stamp on them. Even if he was tired ( and depressed as fuck ), he had to admit this intrigued him. Being a VIP on a music festival... He liked the thought of that. He had no idea what he'd do with four of them though... One was for Roxanne herself, of course, since she had gotten the tickets in the first place. Who else could he bring though? Nnoitra lay back in bed, still fully clothes in his wet pants and hoodie. Tomorrow... He was going to figure out the mysterious message... Yeah, tomorrow. / @serpent-of-feathers , @xx-gold-n-sunshine-xx .

[batsplat]

I was gonna ask you to rank Marc’s cota and sachsenring wins and then thought there’s really not much to rank them on cause he kinda won them pretty convincingly each time (2016 was pretty good) and the 2021 wins always have a special place in my heart but I’m not sure how else to rank them unless it’s like how dominantly he won them? Kinda wild that he had 3 cheat code tracks tho like that just sounds fake but Cota, Sachsenring and Aragon basically had is name on the P1 trophy every year (Aragon not until the 2016-19 run tho)

(Also just watched Brno 2017, man he’s not good in full wet races but you put him in a flag to flag and its hilarious cause comms are like oh he’s switching already oh look at him go he’s gonna win it now and it’s the same every time) (Although him getting P3 in his rookie year at France in a full wet race he did good)

yeah tbh I could't rank marc's wins at those circuits by any metric because quite frankly I don't remember most of them and am not particularly inclined to rewatch any of them for extra insight. sachsenring's still a bit better at cota - the only marc cota win I remember enjoying was 2017, but that was entirely because of the whole zarco/valentino/dani drama. don't even remember seeing marc

with sachsenring... yeah, I mean, 2016's pretty fun, felt extremely plot armour-y, marc makes a dicey bike swap call that ends up paying off big time. the main reason he makes that call iirc is because he'd sent himself to the shadow realm a couple laps earlier and was down the order anyway - which to me is actually one of the most interesting elements of his f2f wins. a lot of them are obviously based on perfect tactical execution but to some extent there's also some remarkable luck at play. taking a gamble because the race wasn't going his way and it just consistently paying off. the heavens are looking out for that man. anyway, incredible scam win

um... 2017 was actually not too bad, yamaha satellite rider folger does a pretty handy job at keeping the pressure on marc for as long as he does. I also vaguely remember 2018 being reasonably watchable, kinda the last jorge/valentino battle and valentino actually puts in a pretty impressive effort to chase after marc. I liked what he said in the presser about having studied what folger had done, how nobody had told folger yamaha was supposed to be mid at the sachsenring (to paraphrase), old man's still doing his homework. apart from that... the most memorable thing about 2014 were the pit lane shenanigans. I cannot remember a single thing about 2019 apart from dovi being in a bad mood that weekend. 2021 is one of those races that is entirely dependent on context - like, I was tense while watching it at the time, but if it had been any other year... it obviously wasn't exactly a stunning race

and it's a neat calling card!! the only real equivalent you've got is casey at phillip island. valentino technically also has a couple streaks to his name (seven at mugello, six at rio, five at phillip island) - but those have a completely different vibe to marc's and casey's in that most of them aren't exactly dominant. marc having this kind of margin over the field at several different tracks is pretty unique. it's actually a bit of a shame that we never quite got to see if dani at his best would've had something for marc at the sachsenring. dns in 2013, in 2014 the track conditions were always going to favour marc, 2015 I suppose but dani really wasn't in good form after his injury absence earlier in the season... and eventually his level just dipped anyway. idk if he could've beaten marc... but he really WAS excellent at that track, had won there 2010-12. the 2013 injury was awful timing in the context of his season and it wasn't ultimately a race that marc won by a crazy margin. idk! would've liked to see it!

one mildly interesting plot point in the next couple years is following marc's performances at those tracks - given that cota/sachsenring did also always feel like honda heartland. they suited both marc AND the bike. and yeah, you'd still expect him to run away with the victories at all those tracks, especially now we've seen his ominous aragon performance. but idk, that's one of the most fun aspects of manufacturer changes - you actually get more data points about how much the performance profiles are determined by bike or rider. for a currently relevant example, I've always thought that marc's a better rider at like,, qatar than he is at sepang. the headline stats are fairly similar, but it's about how the comparisons with other honda riders shake out. honda barely ever wins at qatar, they've done it only three times - once way back in 2004, can't remember anything about that race, once in 2011 courtesy of casey but that's one of HIS best tracks, and once in 2014 courtesy of marc to start off his win streak. whereas sepang is a track honda has a far better record at. unfortunately marc's only ever had one decent direct teammate comparison, but this is dani's record at the two respective tracks:

which you can also only read so much into, because dani himself is clearly a bit of a sepang specialist and doesn't particularly love qatar. but next year we get a lot more data!! finally! different manufacturer AND a decent teammate to serve as a baseline. in general marc's way more fun to watch at his bogey tracks than his specialist ones, so those are the circuits I'm more interested in his record at than the yearly cota walkover. always curious to see how he gets on at those... guess we'll have another chance to do so in a couple weeks time lol

as for the wet weather thing, again I do want to stress that marc isn't BAD in full wet conditions. at all. he doesn't have the same margin over the field as he does in mixed conditions, but the thing about wet races is that they are kind of supposed to make things a bit weird. it's always going to be luck of the draw to some extent - which is what makes marc's f2f record so remarkable because it's so dominant. in general, prime marc isn't racking up an obscene number of race wins in most of his title winning seasons - bar 2014 and 2019, which just happened to also have zero full wet races. so there have been wet races where some riders were just fully going at it and he settled for safer positions for championship reasons, like assen 2016, sepang 2017. and other wet races where he comes extremely close to snatching the win, like motegi 2017 - where he was also going up against one of the very best wet weather riders this century. and other wet races came late in the season and he just chucked it down the road for vibes, like sepang 2016, valencia 2018. and other wet races he was riding close behind an italian championship contender and putting them under sustained pressure for much of the race, before over-extending himself and crashing. of which there have been one or two instances

he's never dominated in full wet conditions before, no donington 2005's or silverstone 2011's on his resume, but also. the distinction between f2f and 'full wet' is also a bit arbitrary, because by definition races classified as f2f will more often than not feature some wet tyre action. at times in heavy rain. it's useful to put it in a spreadsheet and compare the two categories because it'll probably give you a general sense of where exactly marc shines and where he doesn't shine quite so much - but like with most of these things, you do need a lot of context. for instance, dani has three 'full wet' wins to marc's one. obviously, dani is not a better wet weather rider than marc. f2f as a category of races contains a lot of variety... marc has a quirky record in that you really wouldn't think he'd be so much radically better in f2f than he is in wet, which is why I like to point it out now and again. there's a small number of top riders who do definitely have a better record than him when the track is completely soaked (dovi, casey, valentino), but like. high bar. the le mans 2013 podium isn't in any way an aberration. he's good in the wet

[dear3st-dead-diary]

D3AREST DEAD DIARY.

I think my boyfriend and I broke up?? I went too hard partying and currently experiencing delirium and alcohol psychosis so that's fun.

I just woke up from near sleep paralysis, I scared my other boyfriend awake.. poor guy :(

One bf is pissed at me while the other just wants me to be happy. Both of them know what I did while manic and high & intoxicated... but I kind of don't.... this past week until a couple days ago I was simply drinking till even the idea of a previous I'd forget... self destruction 💯 👌 (why are those the suggested emojis for self destruction? xD.. anyway)

I had a dream something large was charging up the stairs and each time I panicked the charging got faster till the walls and bed were shaking and right as it was about to round the corner I woke up wailing and whimpering.

Why do I do this to myself? Cause fuck it honestly.

Fuck my neighbor for being a Karen and "I'll cAlL tHe POlicE AaAaaAa..." when I rang her doorbell at 1 am (on a friday) to tell her I scratched her car. SHE WASNT EVEN FUCKING MAD ABOUT THE CAR!?!?! So? Why threaten LIKE WHAT? And her son just looked at her with such destiny and embarrassed no wonder for the past 2½ years he told me to never bug his mother. Fuck that asshole. Sheeeeeeeesh bitch.

And FUCK MY BOYFRIEND for being mad I didn't shave?? Sorry baby I didn't have the ducking time since you RUSHED ME to be as your house A. S. A. FUCKING. P.

And to top it all off I witnessed a homeless person possibly overdose so I called somebody for that and panicked and IM THE ONE WHOS IN THE WRONG? Sorry I inconvenienced your fucking live asshole and furthermore sorry I can't be your perfect hairless prince princess 24/7.

Fuck. He hasn't even texted me since I called him a couple days ago and he just played it on me without actually telling me exactly what I did wrong. Same shit as always. No one ever tells me what I fucking did and then wonders why I don't feel bad, it's cause I. DONT. Bitch? You never told me explicitly WHY I'm in the wrong. Whatever.

I also drunk called 3 girls and I think 3 or 4 guys to talk STRAIGHT DIRTY to them... I don't remember exactly what was said but some of those Cals were almost AN HOUR 👁👄👁💀💀💀💀💀.

So, I'm not a mind reader, don't wanna tell me there's a problem? Then there's no problem, is there? So no, I don't feel bad for my actions and I cannot take accountability for my actions if no one's gonna tell me.

I'm so pissed at the "world".. my "world" right now.

ALSO I MAXED OUT MY CREDIT CARRRRRRD FUCK.

I still haven't paid my phone or internet bill or my utilities but.. fuck I have 4 to 5 days to figure something out. I paid my rent though. So thank goodness for that.

I have bipolar and sometimes I hallucinate during an episode. Sometimes I'm delusional. And sometimes I'm convinced everyone around me wants to be my friend.

Do antipsychotics work? No..

Here's with luck work picks up again, and my drinking isn't the only thing people worry about. And here's hoping I can afford my bills.

Shit sucks but it will get better.

Right?

Your bi(sexual)polar bitch head.

- A

Also p.s. as of almost an hour after writing this post... I just remembered I had I dream about Jennifer's Body and the nightmare part was mom's dressing as Hannah Montanna for Halloween in the 80s... like before the show existed???

Anyway.

[hibewriter]

Window Sills & Doorways

Masterlist Read it on AO3

Shadow & Bone | Darklina | 792 | E

Tags: Pseudo-Incest, Window Sex, Semi-Public Sex, DDLG dynamics, Age Gap, mentioned SA, Dubious Consent

"Sneaking out, Alina?" The deep voice of her step-father rooted her to the spot, leg perched on the sill of her bedroom window. It wasn't even like she needed to sneak out. Her mother was bedridden, she was eighteen. Aleksander wasn't her real dad. Just some man her mom brought home to fuck last year in a whirlwind of what Alina could only assume was a Vegas wedding while she was away at Astronomy camp. She gave a noncommittal hmmm, refusing to back down from her perch on the sill. With any luck, he'd acquiesce and just let her leave. 

She ran out of luck years ago. 

"Your skirt is too short for you to be leaving the house Alinochnka ." His voice was in her ear, the warmth of his body at her back. Yet a shiver ran down her spine all the same. "It's like I can see everything you'd give up for those boys. What's his name? Malyen?" 

She gave a short nod as his fingers traced the gusset of her panties, biting her lip slightly. It always felt like the first time. She remembered it clearly. Her mom could still walk then. Before the accident that paralyzed her. She'd just turned eighteen, and Alexander had gotten her a brand new tennis bracelet. She'd grimaced, a fake smile on her lips as she whispered what was inevitably her downfall. 

Thanks. I hate it. 

That drunk driver hit her mom two days later. Aleksander was in her room three days after that. She should've moved out. Should've told her mom and done what all those signs in the community college cafeteria told her to do. 

Report! 1 in 3 girls face some sort of sexual harassment or assault. You don't have to be alone. 

But none of those signs said what to do if she liked it. None of them told her what to do when Aleksander slipped his fingers in her pussy, kisses on her neck as she perched on the window sill.  As she didn't attempt to move away from his touch. She knew sex. She'd had it with Malyen years ago. But it never felt so good as with Aleksander Morozova. 

Soft moans escaped her lips as he worked her up, her panties fully pushed to the side as his fingers worked their magic within her. All that could be heard was the squelch of his fingers in the tiny room. Both of their breaths labored as he pressed close to her.  

"Been waiting for you all day Alina . And you try to leave me?" He abruptly pulled his fingers out, causing her to cry out and grasp the panes of the open window. She hoped the gardener wasn't here today as she shook her head. 

"No daddy, I wasn't I swear," She whined, but not for long. His arm snaked around her front, fingers that were just inside her pussy now pressing on her tongue. She moaned at the taste of herself, barely registering the sound of his zipper coming undone. 

"You're such a fucking liar ." He muttered as if she didn't know that already. 

Then she felt it. The press of him inside her as he just tooktooktook . She cursed, his fingers slipping out of her mouth to grab her hips as she fell forward. He didn't give her time to breathe. The thrust inside her forced loud cries out of her mouth. She scrambled to rise up as he grabbed her ankles, pulling her back to his hips. It wasn't long before she felt it. That delicious sin coiling inside her. Her body clenched onto him, the hiss in her ear telling her he felt her. He was close too. 

" Fuckfuckfuck daddy, please. Please." She didn't know for what she begged, but he did. His fingers came round to circle her clit with expert precision. Throwing her over the edge as she cried out grasping the window panes beside her head. His hips stuttered, before pressing tight against her skin. So full , as she felt his spend flood her cunt. 

They stayed like that for a minute. His softening cock lodged inside her while they both caught their breath. They both hissed as he withdrew, though she didn't set herself back inside on her wobbly legs until she heard him zip up. She straightened her skirt and panties, catching his cum before it fell to the floor. He was on her in a second, a kiss on her lips so chaste she might have blinked and it'd be gone. 

"Next time use the front door. I want the neighborhood to see what a slut you are for me." He whispered. And then he was gone, and Alina was left thinking about what she'd just done.

[clearmentalitykryptonite]

Remember when my mascara caused Emma's eye to swell. You got defensive (it wasn't you) right?!? But it smelled of gas. When the hot water was "shut off" but it wasn't you and I asked how is the bathroom hot. You refused to tell me but I figured it out. (YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE) That in fact was you no denying it. When the internet was cut off multiple times and you did that look of I'm innocent I dare you to accuse me and kept asking me if I want them to come switch out the box trying to make me feel like I was being stalked and unsafe. What about when you drugged my honey peanut butter then our son comes and tells me not to drink that so I don't die (he was cring and terrified) and the smirk on your face as you trail behind him to watch how I react. Then you can play "innocent". The time we had dinner and you drugged my food and then I went to er finally because my kidneys were hurting. I was there all night, getting skipped over just hoping the blood work would say something my eyes were literally yellow and blood shot. But they said everything was fine and sent me home. I told them I thought I had a kidney infection because I was so damn trauma bonded and scared. How before that you always said I'm not poisoning you and I always said drugged me and you laughed at me and said same thing. How you would leave the meat out and it would rotten and you'd be like oh thought you couldn't smell it. How you got exfoliating honey handsoap and made it seem like you did something to the lotion and caused my hands to crack and bleed. How you put something the the shampoo to make my hair fallout. How I'm assuming your mom paid someone to put sleeping stuff in the kids icecream and (possibly) the whole chucky cheese incident. How your mom bullied me and would talk shit to anyone who would listen. Make it seem like I'm being followed and stalked. (She likes the numbers) 3 especially which is Your FUCKING BIRTHDAY. Me saying mind your business because I remember how she was with the Stef incident and wasn't sure who to trust. The first time we broke up (according to you a break) I kissed someone. You were abusive and controlling and i was mad and fell for any comfort. The second time (I) broke up with you, you begged me to tell your mom that it was so I could date girls and find out if this is what I wanted but it was you being controlling and abusive and throwing me down and refusing to let me go and threating to kill yourself. Right after the car accident I broke up with my boyfriend. While on pain medication the day after the accident on was on the floor and you were telling me how you were there and he wasnt and you could treat me better and you stood above me as I ended it with him. Look how well that turned out. The third time well, the third and final time there is a whole police report about that. I loved you I truly did. I'm just thankful I had friends who helped through all of this and MORE and they probably don't even know it. Since I have been scared and isolating myself because of you and probably most likely your family. (You know telling me how your dad said does he have to send his people). A THREAT LIKE IM THE FUCKING PROBLEM! I wasnt going to saying anything and let it go but you guys just like to tell your side. Like I haven't been though enough. I'm done protecting people who wouldn't do the same for me. I'm important too. It's time I realize that. What goes around comes around. Good luck with your karma.